


Holding Out for a Hero

by buckthegrump



Category: The 100 (TV), The 100 Series - Kass Morgan
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Bullying, Character Death, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/M, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Mentions of Cancer, Minor Character Death, Protective Bellamy, Slow Burn, Some death, a panic attack or two, hahahahaha so much other shit I can't even start to explain, nothing too graphic but just in case, so much cursing, this entire story is a fucking mess so be warned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-22
Updated: 2019-02-12
Packaged: 2019-09-24 13:37:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 18
Words: 27,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17101595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/buckthegrump/pseuds/buckthegrump
Summary: “Clarke please look at me.”Hesitantly she did, she looked into his eyes not really knowing what to expect but whatever she was expecting it wasn’t the look he was giving her. Sadness was the overwhelming emotion she could make out, but there was something else. Something else in his eyes that she couldn't put a name to.“This isn’t your fault,” he says it with such conviction she almost believes him. Almost.Clarke is very capable of saving herself and always has been until one day she no longer is.





	1. This

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first bellarke fic, i hope it's at least ok :/

_This is the start of something beautiful_

_This is the start of something new -_ Ed Sheeran

Clarke was not looking forward to getting a new roommate. She had been rooming with her best friend since forever, Wells. But he was transferring from Arkadia University to the University of Polis, which was on the other side of the country. She understood why he did it but that didn’t mean she had to be happy about losing her best friend and roommate.

She glanced at the time, 1:50, her possible new roommate was coming over at 2 to see if it was a good fit.

Clarke was nervous because as much as she didn’t want a new roomie she needed one if she wanted to keep this apartment. The apartment was basically on campus so she could roll out of bed 10 minutes before class and still make it on time.

She looked at the time again only to learn that just a minute had passed, so she did what she did every time she was nervous. She started cleaning.

When she was halfway through scrubbing the sink there was a knock at the door. Clarke put down the sponge and cautiously walked to the door and opened it to reveal a girl about her height with long brown hair and bright blue eyes.

“Hi, I’m Octavia,” she smiled.

* * *

It had been three months since that day and Octavia had successfully wiggled her way into Clarke's life.

Octavia was good for Clarke, at least that’s what Wells kept telling her, that she needed someone in her life that kept her out of her own head and get her out of the house.

Although Clarke would never tell him this, but Wells was right. She did get caught up in what was going on in her mind and Octavia’s constant pull to get Clarke out of the house was helping with that.

“C’mon Clarke,” Octavia whined, “everyone’s going to be there and I want you to meet my brother.”

“If he’s going out with the usual group of people he’ll have plenty of people to meet.”

“No, he’s met them all before. You’re my newest friend and I want him to meet you. Please?” She gave Clarke her best puppy eyes and Clarke sighed.

“If I finish this paper before noon tomorrow I will go out with you tomorrow night but that means you have to let me focus because if I don’t do this assignment I might as well just drop out,” Clarke said not bothering to look away from her laptop.

“You’re so dramatic,” Octavia rolled her eyes and walked into the kitchen.

Dramatic or not Clarke was going to be in deep shit if she didn’t finish this report and she didn’t want to give her professor any reason to hate her. So she put on her headphones and played her study playlist and focused on her homework. She was so enthralled on getting her paper done she didn’t notice when Octavia sat on the couch next to her.

Hours later when it was pushing on 5 am, Clarke finally finished it and sent it to her professor.

“Hell yes!” Clarke yelled causing Octavia to jolt awake, “Oh, sorry Tay.”

“It’s all good,” she said groggily, “but now you should get some sleep.”

“Says the person who is basically sleep talking at this point.”

“Maybe so, but you and I both know that you get a little crazy if you don’t sleep and I don’t need my very overprotective brother thinking I live with a crazy person because he will try to make me move. And I like living with you. You like to clean.” Octavia’s were fully closed now and Clarke knew she was moments away from crashing on the couch.

“Just because my life is a mess doesn’t mean that the place I live has to be.”

“Except your room,” Octavia yawned, “your room is so messy.”

Octavia let out a sigh and repositioned herself. Clarke put her laptop on the side table next to the couch and draped a blanket over Octavia.

Clarke almost got up to go to her room and sleep in her own bed, but she just grabbed another blanket and curled up on the couch and drifted to sleep.

Hours later she was startled awake by a pounding noise. She looked over at Octavia who was just as tired and confused as she was.

“What time is it?” Clarke groaned.

“I don’t know.”

There was more pounding before it clicked that there was someone at the door. Clarke gives Octavia a look.

“I’ll get it,” Octavia rolls her eyes.

Clarke closed her eyes in an attempt to fall back asleep but then she heard Octavia let out what sound a lot like a squeal, which Clarke found odd because in her experience Octavia didn’t squeal. Clarke sat up on and looked towards the door to see Octavia embracing a man Clarke’s never seen before.

He was cute, tall, tan skin, curly hair, and a smile that could cure illnesses.

“What are you doing here? You’re not supposed to be here until later today,” Octavia said pulling away from him.

“I got done with work early and I remembered that you said you had nothing going on today so I thought I would surprise you,” he told her.

Clarke finally looked her phone. 7:30 that’s the time he thought it was a good idea to pound on her door, waking her. Clarke sunk back into the couch hoping that Octavia would move this party somewhere else.

“This is my roommate Clarke, she’s really grumpy in the morning and she might hold a grudge against you for a while for waking her up this morning,” Octavia said loud enough for Clarke to hear.

“Fuck you, Octavia, it was 5 when I went to sleep and you know it,” Clarke groaned.

“Clarke, this is my brother Bellamy,” Octavia leaned in next to Clarke and whispered, “Be kind please.”

“2 and a half hours Tay, I got 2 and a half hours of sleep last night and I just -” Clarke sat up and looked at Bellamy who had an amused look on his face, “Hi, I’m Clarke and I’m going back to bed.”

Before he had a chance to say anything more Clarke gathered her things and made her way to her room.

* * *

Clarke and Octavia often shared clothes. Well, they could share skirts and pants but Octavia only had a few shirts that fit Clarke. Clarke walked out of her room in her mini jean skirt and just a bra.

“Hey Tay, can I borrow that blue top that has the ¾ length sleeves?” Clarke knocked on Octavia’s door and waited for an answer.

“Oh jeez,” Bellamy walked out of the bathroom coming face to face with Clarke and quickly averting his eyes, “I’m sorry.”

“Why are you sorry I’m the one walking around without a shirt on besides, it’s not that big a deal it’s just a bra,” she shrugs.

“Ok,” he says but he continues to avidly not look at her. “Um, Octavia’s not here. She went to the store real quick something about needing supplies for tomorrow morning?”

“Are we out of the hangover cure already? Shit, maybe we should hold back on going out.”

“I’m back and I have the things we need,” Octavia stopped when she saw Clarke and Bellamy, “Blue shirt?”

“Yes please,” Clarke smiled.

Octavia quickly got the shirt and handed it to Clarke when she was done putting it on she looked to Octavia who nodded approvingly.

“Can we go now?” Bellamy asked a little irritated.

“God, sure. What’s the matter with you?” Octavia asked her brother.

“Nothing I’m just not used to being in a place where women walk around half naked all the time,” he says.

“Yeah according to Octavia you’re more used to fully naked women,” Clarke snorts.

“Ahhhh,” Octavia plugs her ears and walks towards the door, “La la la la la. Please stop talking about this!”

“Oh and I’m the dramatic one? You’re the one who’s told me about it not the other way around sweetheart!” Clarke followed leaving Bellamy behind.

Octavia removed her fingers from her ears and glared at Clarke, “That doesn’t mean I wanna hear about my brother and his extracurricular activities. Bell are you coming?”

“Yeah,” Bellamy quickly caught up to the two girls.


	2. From Eden

 

_ Babe, there's something tragic about you _

_ Something so magic about you  _

_ Don't you agree? -  _ Hozier

Nights out almost always started the same way. The delinquents, as Jasper liked to call them, would start at a bar just off campus and then depending on the mood they would either move on to someone’s place or a club.

“Your boyfriend’s not coming, is he, Clarke?” Jasper asks.

“Why shouldn’t he come?” Clarke looked at her friends.

“Nobody likes him,” Monty told her.

“Why not?” Bellamy leaned over to Octavia. 

“He’s just kind of -” she paused searching for the right word.

“A fuckboy, with a y,” Murphy finished for her.

“Shut it, Murphy, you’re a fuckboi too,” Clarke told him.

“Ahh but I’m only sometimes a fuckboi and when I am a fuckboi it’s with an 'i' and you know it!” He glares at her.

“Is there a difference?” Bellamy asks.

“Yes,” the group answers in unison.

“But to answer your question Jasper,” Clarke redirects the conversation, “no. He’s not coming tonight he’s got something going on.”

“Thank god,” Octavia looks up to the sky.

Clarke looks to her best friend, “Is he really that bad?”

“Sometimes,” Octavia admits.

“He’s not even my boyfriend, we’ve only been on a few dates and we’re just hanging out,” Clarke tells them again, it felt like she was constantly reminding them that they weren’t officially together.

“Ok, but if all your friends hate him why are you dating him?” Bellamy asks.

“I think the real question is who shows up at someone’s door at 7:30 in the morning and pounds on the door obnoxiously?” Clarke snaps.

“I was surprising my sister,” he defends.

“I know, and I get that, but 7:30 dude?” Clarke asks.

“7:30 is a perfectly acceptable time to be awake,” Bellamy argues.

“It was a tad early Bell,” Octavia softly admits.

“Et tu Brute?” Bellamy looks offended by his sister's words.

“Ok enough bickering!” Murphy decides, “Let’s get our drink on!”

“Here, here!” Jasper and Monty raise their shot glasses and everyone follows suit.

Everyone except Bellamy was drinking heavily, a little more than usual so when the time came in the night to move the party they all elected to go back to Clarke and Octavia’s place because it was closest.

Bellamy, being the soberest, had the honor of ushering everyone to the apartment and helping Clarke and Octavia try to find their keys. Which wouldn’t have been a problem but both Jasper and Octavia were wanderers, and they didn’t even wander together they would go in opposite directions. So what should’ve been a 5-minute trip turned into 15 complete with a near-death experience that Bellamy prayed Jasper wouldn’t remember.

“Clarke,” Murphy groaned from her kitchen, “why do you only have vodka and tequila?”

Everyone else was in the living room. Monty and Jasper had claimed the chairs on either side of the couch while Octavia and Clarke were snuggling on the couch and Bellamy was standing keeping a close eye on everyone.

“Murphy, you don’t need any more to drink,” Bellamy calls rushing to the kitchen.

“But I’m thirsty!” 

“Then have some water!” Bellamy dragged him to the living room and sitting him next to the girls.

“What’s wrong with vodka and tequila?” Clarke asks.

She was having trouble keeping her eyes open, not that she was tired, no she was just getting too lazy to keep them open or at least that’s what she had been telling Bellamy. 

“Nothing, but that’s all we’ve been drinking and I want something else,” Murphy says.

“Well, maybe you should’ve suggested going to a club or something,” Octavia says snuggling deeper into Clarke.

“Well then let's go,” Jasper says swinging his legs to stand.

“No, Jasper sit back down. We are staying here. All of you wouldn’t even be able to get to the club let alone get in.” Bellamy forced Jasper back to his seat.

“Calm down mom,” Monty giggled.

“I’m going to get all of you some water and an Advil. Stay, don’t move!” Bellamy looked at each of them pointedly and walked to the kitchen.

Once he was out of sight Clarke got up from under an already sleeping Octavia and made her way to her room. She took off her skirt and replaced Octavia’s shirt for her old ratty tee. She plopped herself on her bed and instantly fell asleep.

The next morning she woke up to the familiar sound of her friends rummaging around in her kitchen. After pulling on some pants Clarke walked out of her room to join them. She sat at one of the bar stools in between Jasper and Monty. Murphy and Octavia were working around each other trying to complete breakfast. Bellamy was also in the kitchen doing nothing but getting in the way. Murphy kept yelling at him to get out of the kitchen but he would just ignore the yells.

“Bellamy please, Murphy’s a better cook than you,” Clarke told him, “So for the love of god please get out of the kitchen so they can work and we can get some food!”

“How would you know? You’ve never had my cooking,” Bellamy looks at her and cocks an eyebrow.

“Murphy is literally in school to be a chef. What is it that you do exactly?”

The tension in the room began to rise as Bellamy and Clarke stared each other down. After a moment Bellamy backed off.

“Fine, have it your way Princess,” Bellamy says backing out of the kitchen.

“What did you just call me?” Clarke realizes her mistake the instant Bellamy smirks at her.

“I said have it your way  _ princess _ ,” he says again.

_ “Looky here, at the lonely princess,” a boy almost twice Clarke’s size came up to her and kicked dirt in her face. _

_ “Leave me alone,” she pleaded. _

_ “Where’s your little friend princess? Don’t you have any? Or does everyone hate you?” A second boy gets up in her face laughs then pushes her into the ground and hold her head still for a second. _

_ She struggles against him but now his body is on hers making her advances ineffective.  _

_ “Hey get off of her!” A third boy said and a second later the pressure on Clarke was lifted. _

_ She sat up and looked to her hero. _

_ “Are you ok?” He asked her. _

_ She gave the boy a small smile and nodded. _

_ He offers her a hand and helps her up. _

_ “You shouldn’t listen to them their jerks,” the boy says, “besides being a princess isn’t a bad thing. Leia is a princess and she’s a badass.” _

She’d forgotten all about that incident, but it was like the way Bellamy said it triggered the memory.

“Clarke,” Monty pulled her out of her memory, “breakfast is ready.”

Clarke had forgotten what it was like to have people sitting around a table, but before Octavia, before the delinquents, she’d never had loud meals. The meals she’d had with her family had been quieter ‘respectful’ as her mother had put it. But she preferred these loud much more than an awkward dinner conversation in between long pauses with nothing but the sound of forks hitting plates. 

“Hey princess, what’s the matter you don’t like my cooking?” Murphy asks.

“Don’t you start that too,” Clarke gives him a pleading look.

“I’m sorry it just suits you somehow,” Murphy shrugs.

“How?”

“I don’t know it just does.”

Clarke looks to her other friends expecting them to back her up but they mumble an agreement with Murphy.

“Traitors all of you, and if I were truly a princess I would have all of your heads on sticks decorating the front of my castle to ward off my enemies,” she jokes leaning into the joke.

“So you’re funny too, wouldn’t have pegged you as the type,” Bellamy says.

“Who asked?” Clarke smirks and her phone starts ringing. Without looking at the name or number she answers, “Hello?”

“Hey baby girl what are you doing tonight?” Finn's voice fills her ears and she quickly makes her way to her room.

“Nothing why?”

Just as she’s closing the door she hears a collective groan from the group.

* * *

Bellamy watched as Clarke slid into her room. There was a collective groan at the table as if everyone knew exactly who was calling.

“Who was it?” Bellamy asks.

“Finn, Clarkes ‘boyfriend’,” Murphy says, “Listen I’m not saying he’s the worst person to walk the earth. But if I think he’s bad he can’t be good.”

“Well he can’t be the worst person in the world because you are,” Bellamy jokes. Murphy flips him the finger which made Bellamy laugh.

But Murphy had a point. Bellamy had known Murphy for years and if he didn’t like someone then they must be bad news. 

Bellamy glanced at Clarke’s door and couldn’t stop himself from worrying slightly. After a moment he convinced himself that it wasn’t any of his business.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i promise more exciting things are coming


	3. Mercy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is when the mentions of abuse start but they aren't very graphic and they don't last long just fyi

_ I need you to set me free _

_ I'm begging you for mercy - _  Shawn Mendes

“Ugh,” Clarke groans as she walked into the kitchen to see Bellamy sitting at the island with a cup of coffee in front of him, “You’re still here?”

“I could never leave you, princess, you know that. Besides, how are you supposed to fall in love with me if you never see me?” He sips his coffee.

“Well maybe you would like to try the ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder’ route and leave,” she suggests.

“But then I wouldn’t get your smiling face to greet me in the morning and I so love how no matter how much sleep you got, you are always a ray of sunshine in the morning.”

“You’re annoying.”

“And you’re a pain in everyone's ass,” he says through gritted teeth.

“When do you leave again?” Clarke asks standing across from him.

Bellamy tilts his head and smiles, “Hate to break it to you princess but I got a teaching job at Arkadia.”

“No,” Clarke whispers starting at Bellamy and his smug smirk.

“Yes, and O helped me find an apartment just a few blocks from here.” 

“Fuck.”

“So it would appear that you, my dear princess, are stuck with me,” Bellamy grinned and Clarke had half a mind to smack the smug look off his face.

“Kill me now,” Clarke throws her head back.

“I would but I’m too pretty for jail.”

Clarke rolls her eyes and goes to pour herself a cup of coffee only to find the pot empty. She groans and glares at Bellamy who’s innocently taking a sip of his full cup of coffee. She grabs her bag and rushes out the door hoping to make a quick stop for coffee before class.

* * *

Clarke walked back into her apartment after a long day hoping to just become one with the couch but when she walked in there was someone sitting there in her way.

“Don’t you have your own place to live?” Clarke asks tossing her bag down and flopping face first on the couch next to him.

“I might, but if I’m there how would I see your beautiful face?” He says not looking up from his book.

She grumbles something unintelligible into the cushion.

“What?” He looks at her and she lifts her hand and flips him off.

He chuckles at that and goes back to his book. Neither of them goes to move and after a minute or two Clarke shifts so her face is facing the back of the couch and quickly falls asleep. Her nap lasts about 30 seconds before her phone starts ringing.

“No,” she whines as she glances at the name, “Hey Finn… No, I’m at my apartment... honestly trying to nap but there’s -... I’m not alone Bellamy’s here… Well, one would assume waiting for Octavia.”

Clarke glances up at him and he nods.

“Yeah, he’s waiting for Octavia… I don’t know Finn I don’t keep track of her every movement… yeah, no that works for me. Ok, I’ll see ya then,” she hangs up and puts the phone above her head.

“I thought Octavia said that you two exchange schedules as the begging of the term and have ‘find my friends’ on your phones?” Bellamy’s was lower and raspier than it had been before.

“We do I’m just too tired to look,” Clarke stifles a yawn.

Bellamy chuckles at her response and continues reading. Once again Clarke falls asleep, Bellamy without thinking reached over and turned her phone on silent and placed a blanket over her. He froze for a second realizing what he did was intimate in a way, but then he reminded himself that it was something that he would’ve done for Octavia and it was just a reflex and let it go.

* * *

Months had gone by and Clarke and Finn were now officially dating, and it was going great. Finn had even wiggled his way into the hearts of all her friends. Well, except Bellamy’s but he wasn’t so much a friend, more of an annoying fly that was always around and wouldn’t die no matter how much time had passed.

“Ya know the group is over there,” Clarke learns on the bar next to Bellamy who’d left the group to get drinks and hadn’t returned for a few minutes, “and Murphy’s getting impatient.”

“Just Murphy?” Bellamy asks not looking at her playing with the straw of his drink.

“No, but Murphy’s being the loudest about it. So is it that you need help carrying the drinks over?” Her voice a little more condescending than she meant it to be.

“Why don’t you ask your ‘boyfriend’ for help,” he mocks and went back to drinking. 

“Jeez, ok then,” she says a little taken aback by his sudden harshness. 

The rest of the night was full of Bellamy's brooding. Clarke wasn’t sure why she cared so much but his attitude was bringing the whole group down, the only one who was unphased by it seemed to be Finn.

Clarke went home with Finn that night.

She was laying in bed when his phone went off. He lazily picked up the phone but perked up when he saw the name. He got up and left the room before she had a chance to see who was calling, not that she cared that much she was just nosey.

“Who was that?” She asks when he comes back to bed.

“Nobody,” he shrugs.

“You sure did jump up quick for nobody,” she jokes.

“I said it was no one leave it alone,” Finn growls aggressively.

“Ok,” she retreats and rolls away from him.

He sighs and then gingerly places a hand on her hip, “Look I’m sorry. But you know that you can’t push me like that.”

“I know I’m sorry,” she whispers and rolls over to look at him.

“I love you,” he whispers.

Clarke smiles at him, “I love you too.”

Clarke fell asleep that night happy but she couldn’t shake this feeling that she got in the pit of her stomach. It was trying to tell her something important, but she couldn’t figure out what it was.

* * *

Clarke was spending less and less time with her friends, which was normal with finals week just a few weeks away. But she was spending more and more time alone with Finn. She still technically lived with Octavia but she was spending a lot of time at Finn's place.

So when she was over at his place getting ready to go out with Octavia and the rest of her friends he started grumbling.

“I don’t see why you need to hang out with him all the time.”

“What are you talking about?” Clarke asks flippantly putting on her mascara.

“Bellamy, I don’t like him, and I don’t like how much time you spend with him,” he clarifies. 

“I’m not just hanging out with him, Finn, I have other friends that are there with me,” Clarke points out for the millionth time.

Finn grabbed her wrist and pulled her towards him, the movement surprised her and she let out a small squeak. The grip he had on her arm hurt and she had a feeling it would bruise.

“Are you sleeping with him?”

“What?” Clarke whispers shocked the thought even crossed his mind.

“You are, you fucking slut you’re cheating on me with him.” He tightened his grip on her arm.

“No, Finn - you’re hurting me.”

“He doesn’t love you, I love you. He won’t ever love you.”

“Finn I’m not sleeping with him.” Clarke couldn’t ignore the sinking feeling she got when he’d said that last sentence. She was fully aware that Bellamy hated her, which was fine because she hated him just as much. Didn’t she?

Finn’s grip on her arm soften but he didn’t let go. He dropped his head and rested his forehead against hers.

“I’m sorry, I don’t know what came over me. I love you so much,” he lifted his gaze so he was staring directly into her eyes, “You know that right?”

“I love you too,” Clarke says.

“I’m so sorry it won’t happen again. I promise,” he whispers and peppers her face with soft and quick kisses. 

And it didn’t. 

As time passes Clarke lets it slide as a one-time thing. And it was until it wasn’t.


	4. Let Her Go

_ Only  know you love her when you let her go _

_ And you let her go  _ \- Passenger

It lasted for about two weeks, two weeks of the sweet caring boy who was nothing but kind. It was the guy who she fell in love with. Two weeks before it happened again but he promised once again that it wouldn’t happen again. But it continued to happen and there was a part of her that told her to get out but a bigger part pushed this away and ignored it. 

And as time passed, it only got worse, for a while it was just verbal but then it escalated to physical. At first, he didn’t leave any marks, until he got really angry that’s when he started leaving bruises. Never anywhere visible and never anything more than a bruise. It got worse the angrier he got. And there was one topic that really got him pissed. Bellamy.

Honestly, she wanted to break it off with Finn but she had this fear that was keeping her from doing so. It was a silly fear but it recently had become one of her biggest fears, and every time she had almost built up the courage to walk out and never come back the fear came and taunted here. Like a demon sent to tell her the same thing over and over again until she truly believed it.

No one knew Clarke would couldn’t tell anyone. The bruises that covered her stomach and ribs were her secret. She wanted to tell Octavia, to get help but she knew that if she breathed a word of this it would cause even more problems. So she kept it quiet. But she did try to spend as much time at her own apartment as she could but that didn’t seem to be working.

Clarke knew she was dragging her feet in getting ready. She didn’t want to go. 

She put on a dress that, frankly, made her look sexy. It was tight, short, and had ¾ length sleeves. It looked good and it made her feel extremely sexy. Looking at the time she walked out of her room.

Bellamy was sitting at the island and looked over at her when she walked out. They made eye contact for a brief moment before Clarke looked away.

“Hot date tonight princess?” Bellamy asks from his perch on the bar stool.

“No, I actually have jury duty and I’m hoping a praying to find a hot lawyer,” she dramatically crosses her fore and middle fingers for show.

“Oh well, good luck with that.”

“Why you don’t think there will be any hot lawyers?” She leans on the counter space next to him.

“Oh, I’m sure there will be, I just don’t think that they’ll fall for any of your tricks,” he teases and she playfully pushes his shoulder, “But seriously, you look good.”

“Thanks,” she retorts awkwardly as a blush creeps to her cheeks, not used to compliments from Bellamy.

Hoping that he didn’t see the new color of her face she walked over to the coat closet where her purse was. Clarke wasn’t sure at what in the past few months their relationship went from actually hating each other to friendly banter but she wasn’t complaining.

“Too bad you’re wasting it on the Finn guy,” he muttered under his breath.

“What?” She looked back at him. 

“Nothing,” he said shaking his head.

She was fully ready to fight him, ready to tell him to mind his own business and send their relationship back into the previous mutual hatred. But there was an aggressive knock at the door. Clarke opened the door and Finn walked in changing the feeling in the room.

“You ready to go?” Finn asked the tone in his voice caused Clarke to hesitate for a moment. It was a tone she recognized and she knew exactly to expect when they got back to Finn’s apartment that night. But she pushed her knowledge and feelings aside.

“Yeah,” Clarke smiled, “let me just grab my phone.”

Her phone was on the counter and as she walked back to grab it she quickly glanced at Bellamy who was staring down Finn. When she made it to her phone that's when Bellamy broke his glare.

“Hey,” he whispered. She looked up at him. “Be safe.”

Clarke gave him a short nod and then let Finn lead her out of the apartment, looking back one last time before closing the door. The look he gave her while she closed the door, the look of pure concern and fear, made her want to walk back into the apartment and leave Finn.

But she didn’t.

But she should have.

_ “Wells?” Clarke whispers in the dark. _

_ “What?” He answers. _

_ “Are you asleep?” _

_ “No,” Wells didn’t sound upset like he normally did when she asked this question. _

_ The two of them were having a sleepover at Wells house because her parents were on a date night. Some people might say that 8 was pushing the time when girls and boys can’t have sleepovers together anymore but the Griffin’s and the Jaha’s didn’t really care how other people thought they should raise their kids. _

_ “Are you still gonna be my friend when we’re 25?” Clarke had been worried about this for a while. She knew that it was years away but she didn’t want to live without Wells in her life. _

_ “Duh,” he says, “who else is gonna help keep bullies away from you?” _

_ “I can do it myself,” she defends. _

_ “Not according to the first time we met you can’t,” Wells didn’t mean for it to come off so harshly. _

_ “That was one time and I seem to remember having to save you from bullies too,” she raises her voice a little too much before realizing they were supposed to be asleep. _

_ “Ok, you’re right. We both need to help save each other from the bullies, otherwise who else is going to?” _

_ “Good,” she says and rolls over to her side. _

_ Clarke falls asleep that night content knowing that she will always have her best friend there to help keep her safe even though she knows very well that she can save herself. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry my chapters are so short


	5. Fire Away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> honestly bellarke banter is my favorite

_ You keep saying that you're alright but I can see right through your fake smile, you're not _

_ There's a reservoir in your eyes that you've been holding back a long time, what's wrong? -  _ Niall Horan

“You’re spending the night here tonight right?” Octavia asks giving Clarke her puppy eyes.

“Yes,” Clarke shrugs, “and it’s Friday which means -”

“Movies and gossip,” Octavia finishes.

“I’ll make the popcorn if you find our first victim of the night.”

“Rom-com?” Octavia raises an eyebrow.

“Duh, I can’t believe you even have to ask.”

Octavia runs off to the living room to get the movie set up. Clarke gets out the popcorn and sticks it in the microwave. She opens and closes cupboard doors trying to remember where they put the big bowls. She eventually found it on the very top shelf, why they continuously put items that they actually use up there will ever be the mystery to Clarke, it’s not like either of them are tall enough to reach it without climbing on something. 

Despite knowing that she’ll have to use something to boost her, Clarke looks at the bowl and decides that it’s close enough to the edge to reach. She reaches up with her left hand and quickly pulls her arm back down holding back a groan. She looks behind her checking for Octavia when she doesn’t see her Clarke lifts her shirt to look at the mark that was covering most of the left side of her rib cage. She quickly puts her shirt back down. It was a newer one, from the night Finn had walked in on her conversation with Bellamy. It didn’t help that Clarke had added to the anger, she was curious about when something was due and her phone was in the other room and she didn’t think it would be that big of an issue if she borrowed Finn’s laptop to look up the due date for her assignment. Needless to say, she was very wrong.

Carefully, as to not aggravate any more of her wounds, she gets onto the counter and grabs the popcorn bowl. 

Popcorn was her specialty. It was the one thing that everyone insisted she makes, instead of someone else. It came from spending years with Wells on Friday nights because both her parents were working late. It was a carefully crafted recipe of different flavored salts and an obscene amount of melted butter.

Clarke joins Octavia in the living room and gingerly sits next to her. Octavia gives her a questioning look.

“Are you ok?” Octavia asks innocently enough but it sends a surge of worry through Clarke.

“Yeah I’m just a little sore,” the lie slides off her tongue with ease, “I think I slept wrong or something.”

Octavia shrugs and starts the movie.

Clarke had never been the best liar, and Octavia picked up on that pretty quickly in their friendship. So it was concerning that Clarke was now able to lie to one of her best friends with no problem. And that she didn’t even have to think twice about the lie, that her excuses were just there on standby in her mind ready to use at a moments notice.

Halfway through the movie, there was a knock at the door. Clarke looked over at Octavia who sat there with a puzzled look on her face until something clicked, then her expression was that of someone guilty.

“What?” Clarke deadpans.

“Sorry,” Octavia gets up and lets in none other than her brother.

Octavia makes an apologetic face from behind Bellamy. Clarke only stares back at her trying to ignore Bellamy.

“What are we watching?” Bellamy asks as he plops down next to Clarke on the couch making Clarke twist the wrong way and causing pain to shoot through her entire body. She flinches slightly. Bellamy catches this and gives her a questioning look, but before he could say anything Octavia speaks.

“We are watching ‘To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before’. And before you ask no we will not change and you are absolutely not welcome to choose the next movie. This is the first time I’ve hung out with Clarke not at a bar or something it months so if you don’t like it you can leave.”

“Then why did you invite me, O?” Bellamy looks away from Clarke and to his sister.

“Honestly I didn’t know it was happening until like an hour ago and I forgot you were coming over until you knocked on the door,” she shrugs and Clarke chuckles.

“Great, guess I’m stuck watching rom-coms,” Bellamy grumbles.

“Or,” Clarke speaks, “you could leave.”

“Yeah, Bell,” Octavia backs up Clarke.

“Nah, I think I’ll stay,” he leans back into the couch and grabs a handful of popcorn and moans, “Princess, you’re not great at a lot of things but damn your popcorn. Like everyone is good at making popcorn but yours is better for some reason.”

“Careful there Blake, people might think you actually like me if you keep lavishing me with those compliments.”

“As much as I would love to watch you two fall in love,” Octavia says as sarcastically as she can, “I’d much rather Peter K steal everyone's heart.”

Bellamy looks away from Clarke, if she didn’t know any better she would’ve said that he looked a little bashful as he did. 

They watched the movie mostly in silence, every once in awhile Bellamy would voice some comment that would’ve been better left unsaid. When that movie was over Bellamy fought hard for the girls to let him pick a movie but Octavia reminded him of what she’d said earlier in the night. Clarke was planning on being nice and pick an animated Disney movie but then The Princess Diaries 2 popped up and she didn’t even hesitate to click that one.

“Of course, the princess would choose her own biopic,” Bellamy smirked at his own joke.

“I’d be a fool to pass up the opportunity to stare at Chris Pine for an extended period of time,” Clarke tells him.

“She’s right big brother. Chris Pine is a luxury no one should be forced to go without,” Octavia says not taking her eyes off the screen.

It isn’t long after Princess Mia is starting to actually fall for Chris Pine that Octavia starts snoring.

After that Bellamy keeps looking over at Clarke.

“What?” She finally asks after the fifth or sixth time. Her volume is low but the tone is agitated.

“Are you ok?” Bellamy’s question was different than Octavia’s. Sure it had the same wording but the inflection was different, Octavia’s had been more casual. Bellamy asked as if he had an idea as to what was going on.

“Yeah I’m fine,” the certainty in her voice once again surprised Clarke.

Bellamy looks back to the TV.

“I’m very good at keeping secrets,” he says out of the blue, “so you can talk to me if you need to.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

“No, seriously Clarke,” she looks over to see him staring at him and he continues, “I’m here if you need me.”

His gaze was intense and unwavering. She nods and he gives a short nod in response.

“I should get her to bed,” he says getting off the couch.

He scoops Octavia off the couch and carries her to her room. He comes back a minute later and stops in front of Clarke.

“I’ll see ya later princess,” and with that, he walks out the door.


	6. Cherry Wine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this has the most in-depth description of abuse it's not a lot, i just thought i'd warn y'all just in case

_ Open hand or closed fist would be fine _

_ Blood is rare and sweet as cherry wine  _ \- Hozier

Clarke wasn’t sure what about this time was different. Why she acted so quickly. Maybe it was the mug he threw that hit the wall next to her shattering it and giving Clarke a cut under her eye. Maybe it was her gut telling her that if she spent any more time with him he’d actually kill her. Or maybe it was the fact that Clarke had realized that he was cheating on her. Not even that, she was the other women. Not only was he abusing her, but he already had someone else who was going to a different school and made her a mistress.

Not that the reason why really mattered. What did matter was that she was running. She was amazed that she remembered to grab her purse before fleeing his apartment. She was barely out the door of his building before she heard him behind her. 

“Clarke!” Finn called after her. “Clarke wait! Clarke stop we should talk about this.”

But she didn’t, she didn’t think she could if she tried. She kept running. She didn’t know where she was going, the only thing she was sure of right now was that she didn’t want to hear him out. She didn’t want his excuses or his apologies because she was sure if she did hear him out he’d find the exact right words to say to make her stay and she didn’t want that.

So she kept running, there was a small cut on her left cheek and she could feel the mark that his hand left on her right one. Because the adrenaline pumping through her veins, she didn’t feel the pain, even though she would in a bit. She put all of her faith in her feet to get her somewhere far away from him, or at least safe from him. She didn’t realize where she was until she was knocking on a door. She’d only been here a few times and was a little surprised that she knew where this was. She only had to knock once before the door opened.

“Clarke?” Bellamy held her stare for just a second before she looked away.

“Can I come in?” she asks looking at his feet and he stepped aside letting her through.

“Clarke, what happened?” He asks closing the door.

Bellamy gently used his fingers to lift her chin so she was looking at him.

“Clarke,” he whispers.

She kept her gaze pointed at the floor.

“Did he hurt you?” He gently lays his hands on her shoulders.

She doesn’t say anything but it answers his question. His hands slide down her arms until they are no longer touching her and she watches as he clenches his fists.

“I’m gonna -” his voice is full of anger but unlike with Finn, his doesn’t scare her.

She reaches out and grabs his hand, “please stay.”

“Clarke please look at me,” his voice is softer than it was a second ago.

Hesitantly she did, she looked into his eyes not really knowing what to expect but whatever she was expecting it wasn’t the look he was giving her. Sadness was the overwhelming emotion she could make out, but there was something else. Something else in his eyes that she couldn’t put a name to.

He gently and slowly reaches up to touch her face. He swipes his thumb just under the cut wiping up the blood a bit. Then he gingerly strokes the forming bruise and she involuntarily flinches. He walks to the freezer and grabs an ice pack. Clarke walks into the living room and stands there. Bellamy walks up to her and places the pack of peas on her cheeky. She looks up at him making eye contact with him, she reaches up and replaces his hand on the pack of peas with hers.

“How long?” He whispers dropping his hand to his side.

“Bellamy -”

“How. Long.”

“A few months,” she whispers.

He sighs and lowers his head. She watches him as he clenches his fists and took three deep breaths. He looks back up making eye contact with her, there was an intensity in his eyes she’d never seen from him before.

“This isn’t your fault,” he says it with such conviction she almost believes him. Almost.

“I could’ve stopped it,” she says on the verge of tears.

“Clarke,” he brushes a lock of her hair out of her face.

“But what if -”

“No, you’re not listening,” he cuts her off, “this isn’t on you. This. This is on him. And you deserve better.”

“Do I?” She asks getting choked up.

“Absolutely,” there it was again the conviction, “you are one of the kindest people I know and you deserve so much better than that asshole.”

“But what if he’s the only person who will love me?” 

Bellamy pressed his palm to her left cheek and gave her a small smile.

“That’s not possible,” there’s a sadness to his voice.

The corners of her mouth barely lifted into a small smile but it was enough for Bellamy. He pressed a quick kiss to her forehead and pulled her into his arms. She didn’t resist at all just melts into his embrace and returns the hug.

_ “Daddy?” An eleven-year-old Clarke walks into her father’s study. _

_ “Yes, bug?” He looks up from the book he’s reading. _

_ She knows that she shouldn’t be embarrassed to ask this question but she can’t help it. She feels stupid for even thinking it. She sits in the identical armchair across from where her father is sitting. _

_ “You can tell me anything, you know that right?” His question was enough reassurance for Clarke. _

_ “How do you know you’re in love?” _

_ Jake places his bookmark in his spot and sets the book aside. He leans back in his chair and looks at Clarke pondering. He’s quiet for a while, so long that Clarke goes through a million different scenarios in her head as to why he’s not answering. _

_ “Well I think it’s different for everyone, and it’s different with the different types of love,” he finally answers. _

_ “How did you know with Mom?” Clarke tucks her knees under her chin. _

_ “One day, I was visiting your mother at work and I was watching her interact with the kids she worked with and I realized that with her my heart was full. It wasn’t like I was walking around thinking that my heart was empty or anything, it was just with this amazing woman who put the needs of others before hers everything just seemed better. Like someone had made the world a little brighter and happier.” _

_ Clarke sat there and listened to every word her father said with wide eyes. _

_ “But that’s not to say that loving someone isn’t hard because it is. It’s probably the hardest thing in the world.” _

_ “Then how do you make it work?” _

_ “Well after time the way love feels changes. Like now, your mother is my home, and you choose to come home every day after whatever it is you do during the day and you have to make the choice to make your home work.” _

_ “Like cleaning your room?” She asked twisting her face in disgust making Jake laugh. _

_ “Kind of like that, it’s hard to explain. And I know you hate it when adults tell you this, but you’ll get it when you’re older.” He smiled at her frown. _

_ “Ok,” she really did hate it when adults said it but if her dad was saying it then it must be something that you really must learn when you get older. _

_ She gets up from the chair. Jake grabs his book as Clarke starts to walk out of the room but stops right at the door and turns to her dad. _

_ “How did you know that you loved me? Is that work too?” She asks without a second thought. _

_ Jake smiles and shakes his head. _

_ “No, that’s easy. I knew from the moment I laid eyes on you that I would never let anything hurt you as long as I could. I think I can speak for both your mother and me when I say that loving you is the easiest thing either of us has ever had to do.”  _

_ “Is it like feeling at home too?” She scrunches her nose. _

_ He squints at her, “No, it’s a little more like walking around with your heart outside of your body.” _

_ This confuses her because this doesn’t sound like an easy thing to do. _

_ “Is this another thing I need to be older to understand?” She asks a little disappointed again. _

_ “Maybe, if that’s something you choose,” he winks and goes back to his book. _

Clarke started sobbing into Bellamy’s shoulder. He holds her tighter and starts rubbing her back.

“Hey,  _ I got you _ ,” he whispers into her hair, “you’re safe. I’m not going to let anything happen to you.”

He says that last sentence over and over again like a mantra. 


	7. She Used To Be Mine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope y'all like this chapter

_ Who'll get hurt but who learns how to toughen up _

_ when she's bruised and gets used  by a man who can't love -  _ Sara Bareilles

_ “I’m so sorry for your loss,” another person that Clarke didn’t recognize said placing a hand on her shoulder. _

_ Clarke smiled and nodded.  _

_ 15 years old and she was meeting relatives she’d never heard of. _

_ She’d heard those words over and over and she couldn’t take it anymore. _

_ “Wells,” she whispers into her best friends ear, “If I don’t get out of here soon I might murder everyone. I can’t listen to that one more time.” _

_ “Ok, give me a minute,” he whispers back and left for a moment. _

_ She had to listen to them a few more times. She tries her hardest to keep her facial expression in check but she’s finding it hard when she wants to punch them in the face. _

_ “C’mon,” Wells grabs her arm and drags him away and out of the building.  _

_ He leads her to a secluded part of the grounds under a tree.  _

_ It was an annoyingly beautiful day. The sun was out and there wasn’t a cloud in the sky, despite it being December and there being every chance for today to be cloudy or something. But no, the only thing about today that would give away that it was January was the cold bite the air had to it. Clarke hadn’t noticed that Wells was carrying a boatload of food. _

_ “For now we feast, then we face the music,” Wells offers her food. _

_ Clarke takes it and leans against the tree. _

_ “This sucks,” she says. Her voice cracks and she can feel the tears running down her face. “Like I knew it was going to suck but I didn’t realize it would suck this bad. And then there are people who are like ‘I’m sorry for your loss’ and I know they mean well but I would really like it if everyone stopped saying that.” _

_ Wells leaned his head on her shoulder. _

_ “I don’t know what to do,” she tells him. _

_ “And I don’t know how to help you,” he says honestly. _

_ “Do you think I’ll feel like this forever?” _

_ Wells looked at Clarke. He’d never seen her so sad. _

_ “No, not forever,” he answers and leans his head back on her shoulder. _

_ Clarke looked at the sky wondering how the rest of the world could continue to go on when it felt like her world had stopped. How she would continue to breathe when it felt like something was pressing against her chest making it hard to take a breath. _

Clarke wakes up in a bed that isn’t Finn’s and it’s definitely not hers. She gets out of the bed and notices the shirt she’s wearing. It’s not hers, and that’s when she remembered the events from last night. She looked down at the shirt again and realized that she wasn’t wearing a bra.

She walked out of the bedroom. She found Bellamy in the kitchen shuffling around with a towel on his shoulder. Clarke just stands at the edge of the kitchen completely forgetting that she’s only wearing a shirt and her underwear. Bellamy doesn’t realize she’s there until he turns around.

“You’re up,” he says surprised.

“Yup.”

“And you’re wearing my shirt,” he nods towards it.

It was Clarkes turn to be surprised, “You didn’t put it on me?”

“No, but it was sitting on the top of my dresser.”

“I don’t even remember going to bed,” she admits.

“That’s because you fell asleep out here and I took you to my bed. Don’t worry I slept on the couch. And I didn’t remove any of your clothes. Your shoes yes but that’s it.” He continues working on breakfast which from what Clarke can tell is pancakes.

“Honestly I probably slept walked,” she tells him.

“What?” He pauses breakfast briefly to glance at her. 

“Sometimes I sleepwalk, typically I just change clothes. One time I fell asleep in my PJs and then woke up in one of Octavia’s shirts, a pair of my shorts, and Jasper’s jacket.”

“How’d you get Jasper’s jacket?” He asks trying to hide a smile.

“He’d left it at my apartment.”

“So you’re a sleep changer,” he chuckles.

“Only sometimes.”

“So,” he stares at his cooking while he changes the tone, “are we going to talk about what happened last night?”

“Do we have to?” Clarke made eye contact with Bellamy. The memory of last night came rushing back and she wanted to crawl into a deep dark hole and never show her face again.

“We don’t have to -”

“Ok.”

“But Clarke, you showed up at my door yesterday. You didn’t go to Octavia because I’m assuming she doesn’t know. Why me?”

“Honestly, I didn’t know where I was going until I was at your door,” she looks down at her hands.

“What are you going to do about -”

“I thought we weren’t talking about it.”

“We’re not. We’re talking about the fact that I’m an amazing cook,” he hands Clarke a plate with three pancakes stacked on top of each other.

She takes it, grateful for the change in conversation, and smiles thanks to him. She makes her way over to the small table set he has in his kitchen and sits. She takes a bite and has to physically stop herself from moaning.

“This is really good,” she says with a mouth full of food.

“I never want to hear you complain that I’m making food again,” Bellamy smirks.

“Murphy’s literally a chef and you’re a history teacher,” she argues while continuing to shove food in her mouth.

“That doesn’t change the fact that I never want to hear it,” he says serving himself a plate.

He joins her at the table sitting across from her. She was too busy shoveling food in her mouth to notice the look of concern Bellamy was giving her. He was watching her carefully, looking for any reaction to what happened last night. 

“Are you ok?” He asks.

She looks at him, he asked it the same way he had during that movie night. Only this time she knew he knew, and there was no room for a lie because he knew. 

And for the first time in months, she didn’t lie. She didn’t give some half-assed excuse about being tired or running into a door at school.

“No.”

Clarke puts down her fork and places her hands in her lap and tries to stop them from shaking.

Seconds later Bellamy is on his knees next to her taking her hands in his own, they’re warmer than hers are and the contact seems to calm her nerves and after a moment her hands stop shaking. Clarke doesn’t realize she’s crying until she watches tears drop from her face onto their hands.

“I’m sorry,” Clarke sobs but she’s not quite sure what it is she’s apologizing for just that she needed to say it.

“You don’t need to apologize.”

“I don’t get it,” Clarke blurts.

“What?”

“How can you, someone who hates me, treat me better than someone who’s supposed to love me?” Clarke can tell she’s still crying because the words struggle to get around the lump in her throat.

“Finn is incapable of love, not real love, he might say the words and thinks he means them but love isn’t just words. It’s action and how you treat the people you love,” Bellamy rubs his hands against hers in a soothing manner, “And I don’t hate you, Clarke.”

They spent longer than necessary sitting there looking into each other's eyes hands intertwined before Clarke cleared her throat and pulled her hands out of Bellamy’s.

“Have you seen my phone?” She asks.

“No, did you not have it last night?”

“I had it last night but then -” She stops abruptly.

“What?”

“It’s still at Finn’s house,” Clarke says standing and Bellamy mirrors her action.

“You’re not going back there,” he says as if he can read Clarke's mind.

“I don’t have money for a new phone Bellamy and besides I have to go back for the rest of my stuff anyway,” she pushes back.

Bellamy looked at her with pursed lips.

“I’m pretty sure that Octavia left a pair of sweats or something here once,” he walks away quickly and Clarke remembers her half-naked state.

He returns moments later with a pair of joggers and she takes them from him and puts them on.

“I still need to get my stuff,” she tells him.

“You’re not going alone,” he says putting on his jacket.

They are about to walk out the door when Bellamy hands her one of his hoodies. She takes it and follows Bellamy to his car without saying anything. The car ride is silent except for Clarke giving the occasional direction it takes them less than 5 minutes to get there and once Bellamy is parked that’s when Clarke loses it.

“Oh, shit,” she whispers.

She closes her eyes and digs her nails into her thighs. She is trying to catch her breath but she can’t seem to remember how to breathe. Her chest feels like it’s closing in around her lungs and everything seems so far away.

“Clarke?” Bellamy goes to touch her but stops himself at the last moment.

Clarke takes his hand that was hovering above her own and anchors herself with it. She finds her way back to her seat in the car and is able to breathe.

“We don’t have to do this today,” he whispers.

“No, let’s get this over with.”

Clarke gets out of the car and leads Bellamy up to Finn’s door. It doesn’t take long for Finn to open the door.

He looks at Clarke then at Bellamy and then back to Clarke.

Clarke isn’t sure what she expected, maybe she was hoping for a distraught looking Finn with red eyes and puffy cheeks. But Finn didn’t look any different than he did at any given moment. This sent anger coursing through Clarke's body, he didn’t even look the slightest bit sorry. And there was a part of her telling her that of course, he wouldn’t that of course, he looked fine. But that didn’t stop her from wanting to punch him in the face.

“Clarke,” Finn’s voice cracked as Clarke pushed passed him, “You came back.”

“Save it,” Bellamy growls getting in Finn’s face.

Clarke goes around the apartment and gathers her things. She was trying to focus on getting all of her things but she kept glancing at Bellamy the tiniest bit afraid that he would punch Finn in the face. Clarke wouldn’t be worried if she thought that Bellamy would stop after one but she didn’t really think he would.

“Clarke,” Finn pleads and goes to move toward her but Bellamy stops him, “Get out of my way this doesn’t involve you.”

“Shut up,” Bellamy says continuing to stare down Finn.

“Clarke, please listen to me,” Finn tries changing his tactic again. “Please, I-”

“Stop talking to her. I think it’s safe to say that she never wants to see you after this,” Bellamy says.

Clarke walks back into the living room holding all of her things.

“Oh so you are fucking him,” Finn looks directly at Clarke.

“Excuse me?” Bellamy asks the same time Clarke asks, “What?”

“Of course, it all makes sense. You’re just a common whore,” Finn spits.

“That’s enough outta you,” Bellamy’s entire body tenses like he’s getting ready to fight, and it might have happened if there hadn’t been a knock at the door.

Everyone stopped and looked at the door and the person who knocked walked in.

“Hey, Finn? Your door was unlocked so I just walked -” a girl about Clarke’s age walked in. 

Raven. That was the name that had shown up on Finn’s phone last night with her picture. It was the same girl and she was ever more devastatingly beautiful in person.

“What’s going on?” Raven asked.

“You’re boyfriend has been cheating on you for months,” Clarke glance quickly at Finn who looked at her with pure unadulterated hatred, “with me.”

Clarke grabs Bellamy’s hand and leads him towards the door, she stops briefly and looks at Raven.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know you existed,” Clarke says.

Raven doesn’t say anything but Clarke watches here eyes scan her face and pause momentarily over the bruise and cut on her cheeks. Raven’s face goes through an array of emotions.

Bellamy gently prompts Clarke to keep moving and she lets him guide her out of the building. Not once do his hands leave her waist.

The car ride was silent and Clarke wanted to thank him but didn’t know how. She opened her mouth and shut it like 5 times.

“You don’t have to say anything,” Bellamy says not taking his eyes off the road.

“Thank you,” she looks at him, “for everything.”

Bellamy looks at her once he’s stopped at a light, “Any time.”

The earnestness in his voice shouldn’t surprise her but it did. But it also sent a feeling through her. It was a feeling she hadn’t felt in a long time.


	8. You and Me

_ Time's never been on our side, so would you wait for me? _

_ I lead a selfish life 'cause it's what I need  _ \- Niall Horan

Clarke and Bellamy didn’t speak about it. Bellamy didn’t mind too much, he was just glad that Clarke was safe and no longer seeing Finn. Bellamy was trying his hardest to give Clarke her distance but it was obvious that she hadn’t told anyone else and that worried Bellamy. Octavia would tell him that he needed to calm down. Clarke seemed to be doing well now that she wasn’t seeing Finn anymore. 

Although he had a sneaking suspicion that something was eating away at Clarke, and he wanted to ask her what it was. But any time he tried to approach her about it someone would interrupt them, and he was sure that she hadn’t told anyone. He was sure of this because he knew that Octavia would disappear for hours and come back with Finn’s head or something.

It had been two weeks since Bellamy took her to Finn’s to get her stuff. 

He didn’t want to keep his distance but this wasn’t about what he wanted, it was about what she needed. And as far as Bellamy could tell Clarke wanted to forget about everything for a while and he was sure that her running to him was just happenstance. Or, a very small part of him thought, maybe she took what he’d said that last movie night to heart.

And Bellamy reluctantly let their relationship return to what it had been before. He couldn’t say why or what it was that made him so reluctant to do so. 

The group was out at a new bar that Monty and Jasper had found.

“Why are we here?” Murphy grumbles as he takes a sip of his beer.

“Because we needed a change in scenery. And this place does drinks for pretty cheap,” Jasper tells him.

Murphy shrugs unable to argue with that. The drinks were very cheap.

“So professor,” Monty says and Bellamy groans, “as we make our way to finals week, what advice can you give to those of us still in school who are paying to be there instead of being paid?”

“I need new friends,” Bellamy says into his hands and the group laughs at him.

It wasn’t often he remembered that he was friends with people a few years younger than he, but then they would start talking about how stressed finals were making them and that would send him into a small spiral.

He was currently trying to get his friend Miller to join them on occasion but Miller kept refusing.

The night went on and at one point Jasper innocently asked about the whereabouts of Finn. Clarke found Bellamy’s eyes instantly and didn’t look away as she answered.

“We broke up,” she didn’t look away from Bellamy until something behind him caught her eye.

She looks confused and then her face lights up and she leaves the group for a moment and rushes over towards the door. Everyone follows her with their eyes and she embraces a dark-skinned boy who was smiling and picked her up off the ground.

Bellamy looked him over, he looked about Clarke’s age but he was taller than her.

“What are you doing here?” She asks pulling away slightly from the hug.

“Octavia and I thought that you might want a visit before finals completely kicked your ass,” the boy says still smiling at her.

“You talk to Octavia?”

“You really think I was going to leave and not have a way to check up on you? C’mon introduce me to my replacements,” he jokes.

Clarke leads him to the group and introduces him as Wells. Bellamy watched as everyone in the group asked him about embarrassing stories from Clarke's past and as much as Bellamy would love to hear and enjoy Wells’ stories he couldn’t. 

There was a feeling he was having in the pit of his stomach that he couldn’t ignore. It felt like a wildfire building and burning everything in its path but it wasn’t the normal anger that Bellamy felt. It was something different.

Bellamy quietly excused himself from the group and orders himself another drink.

“I hope you don’t plan on driving drunk,” a familiar voice catches his attention.

Bellamy looks up to see none other than Nate Miller.

“Is this why you keep refusing my invitations out?” Bellamy smiles.

“I’ve told you multiple times that I’m a bartender at this bar, it’s not my fault you never listen,” Miller shares.

“You have never told me that you fucking liar.”

“Maybe so, but that’s not what we’re focused on,” Miller hands Bellamy his drink.

“Oh really? So what is it exactly that we are focused on?” Bellamy narrows his eyes.

Miller looks pointedly back at the group.

“What about them?”

“Not them as a group. Her,” Miller smiles.

Knowing full well that Miller meant Clarke, Bellamy glances behind him and then back to Miller, “Octavia’s fine, Miller.”

“You know damned well I’m talking about the blonde,” Miller scolds, “Who is she?”

“One of O’s friends.”

“What’s her name?”

“Why do you care so much?”

“You want me to hang out with them right? Well, tell me about them,” Miller stares down Bellamy.

“Fine. Monty and Jasper are really smart and going to school to be some sort of scientists. Murphy’s -”

“For fuck’s sake this is like pulling teeth,” Miller mumbles cutting him off, “Just tell me about the girl.”

Bellamy glances back at Clarke who paused in her laughter to give him a questioning look. He gave her a reassuring smile and with that Clarke put her focus back on the group.

“Her name is Clarke,” Bellamy turns back to Miller who is pouring someone else’s drink, “there’s not much else.”

“But you like her.”

“What?”

“Oh sorry, did you not know?” Miller teases but Bellamy stays quiet.

Miller walks to the other end of the bar leaving Bellamy alone with his thoughts.

Did he like Clarke? It wasn’t like he hated her, but it was fun to push her buttons and she pushed his right back. But Bellamy honestly couldn’t tell if he had romantic feelings for the pushy blonde. For the first few months of the two of them knowing each other consisted of the two of them fighting with each other.

But then  _ that night _ happened. The night she showed up at his door and he helped her. He knew that it had changed their relationship but he didn’t know how. He wasn’t sure where it left them. 

* * *

Clarke easily slipped back into the pre-Finn routine and as far as she could tell no one suspected anything. Although every once in a while she would catch Bellamy staring at her like he had something to say. Clarke was grateful that he hadn’t said anything about that night. And clearly, he hadn’t told anyone. But a part of her, a very small part, hoped that he would talk to her about that night.

She figured that it was just a fluke and he only helped her because she was Octavia’s friend. But then she remembered what he’d told her during that movie night while Octavia had slept.

_ ‘I’m here if you need me.’ _

And she had, she hadn’t realized how much she needed him until she showed up at her door. But now that she was no longer with Finn and didn’t need Bellamy to save her, why did she get this aching feeling whenever he wasn’t around?

Clarke was overjoyed when Wells came to visit. She was excited to introduce him to all her friends although she knew he knew Octavia. During some of their Skype calls, Octavia had found her way into the conversation. What Clarke hadn’t known was that they talked outside of that time.

“Please I’m begging you stop talking to them,” Clarke begs.

“Oh, but who will tell them about the time you stuck an eraser in your ear and your parents had to take you to Urgent Care because you wouldn’t tell them what it was?” Wells teases.

“Did she really?” Monty tries to hide his smile.

“She wasn’t feeling very loved by them,” Wells tells him.

“I could start telling stories about you too Wells Jaha,” Clarke reminds him and he backs off on the storytelling.

Clarke hadn’t noticed Bellamy leave the group but he had at some point because she saw him at the bar talking to the bartender. She raised an eyebrow at him and he smiled in response. Clarke went back to talking to the group until she couldn’t ignore the urge to go talk to Bellamy anymore.

She walked over when he was no longer talking to the bartender.

“Hey,” she says and he looks a little startled, “did I scare you?”

“No, just lost in thought I guess.”

“Are you ok?” she asks and he chuckles.

“Isn’t that my line?”

It was a joke, she could tell it was by the look on his face, but his eyes were telling her something different.

“Maybe so, but that doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to check up on my friends, especially when they are missing out on embarrassing stories from my childhood.”

“I didn’t know princesses were capable of embarrassment. I thought they had other people do embarrassing things for them.”

Clarke knew that one was supposed to be a joke too, but that didn’t stop her from overreacting about it.

“And I didn’t know that assholes could talk. I thought their job was to spew shit,” she smiles at him.

He sits there a little shocked while the bartender doubles over in laughter and she walks back to the group unable to keep her smile off her face.


	9. Cold Coffee

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finals week am i right?

 

_ Tell me if I'm wrong, tell me if I'm right _

_ Tell me if you need a loving hand to help you fall asleep tonight  _ \- Ed Sheeran

“I know you broke up with Finn pretty recently but when are you gonna start dating Bellamy?” Wells asks Clarke causing her to choke on her drink.

The two of them were at breakfast before Wells had to go to the airport.

“What?” Clarke gasps for air.

“Bellamy. Aren’t you like crushing on him or something?” Wells looked at her earnestly.

“No!” She practically yells at him and as soon as it happened she realized her mistake, “And I would never date Bellamy.”

“Oh really?” Wells smirked.

“Really, he’s Octavia’s brother for one, second of all he can be an asshole.”

“So can you.”

“Wells.”

“What? I’ve known you for almost all my life so I can say with complete confidence that you can be one of the biggest assholes around,” he shrugs.

Clarke wanted to argue further but she knew that Wells was right.

“I wish you didn’t have to go,” Clarke quickly changes the subject.

“Yeah, well, someone’s gotta be the bread maker for the next few years before you become a doctor.”

“So you’re going to let me crash on your couch while I go to med school?”

“Of course but only because you’re going to let me crash on yours once you’re a rich doctor.”

Clarke enjoyed the last bit of time she had with Wells and then saw him off to the airport.

Clarke then spent the rest of the weekend resting up because the following week was dead-week. Clarke would argue that dead-week was worse than finals week. Because at least with finals week you could be done with some things but dead-week was just full of studying, writing papers, and more studying. Also because Clarke was pre-med she sometimes went a little crazy.

Maybe ‘a little crazy’ was an understatement.

* * *

 

Clarke had a schedule ready for this week. She was going to basically camp out at the library until her papers were done and then study her ass off for her finals next week.

Octavia joined her Monday morning when she left for the library.

Things were going great Clarke finished her first paper and only had 2 more to go. At the rate she was going, she could probably get her papers done today and just study the rest of the week.

Then someone came up to her and broke her concentration.

“Clarke?” A female voice interrupted her train of thought. The voice sounded vaguely familiar to Clarke.

Clarke looked over to see Raven and for some reason, Clarke instantly stood up. This didn’t go unnoticed by Octavia who was trying to slyly watch what was going on between the two girls.

“Raven, right?” Clarke asks even though she knew the answer.

“Yeah, I just wanted,” Raven pauses to look down at her shoes, “Are you ok?”

Raven looks back up at Clarke, the look in Raven’s eyes tells her that she knows. This girl whom she’d met once before knows one of her deepest darkest secrets that she can’t even bring herself to tell her best friend. Clarke shouldn’t have been surprised by this, she watched Raven take in her injuries that first meeting.

“I’m fine,” Clarke says.

“Ok well, I’m sorry he did that to you.”

“Who did what?” Octavia asks.

“Finn was cheating on Raven with me. I didn’t know until she called one night and showed up at his door the next morning,” Clarke said before Raven could get a word in.

“Do you go here? I feel like it would be kind of hard to cheat on your girlfriend and spend that much time with your mistress -” Octavia starts to say.

“I didn’t, I’m transferring here next semester, I was just moving all my stuff. My semester ended a few weeks ago. But that’s not what I came here to talk to you about,” Raven smiles. “I’m sorry he put you in that position and there are no hard feelings between us.”

Raven starts to walk away and Clarke almost lets her go. Almost.

“Raven wait,” Clarke calls and Raven turns around, “If you need friends, we’re here. Maybe not this week but pretty much any other time.”

Raven smiles and nods and continues to walk away.

Clarke sits back down and Octavia gives her a look.

“What?”

“Look at you, coming out of your shell. Wells would be so proud of you. Just think when we first met you barely wanted to meet me, let alone my friends or make any of your own,” Octavia coos.

“I will stab you,” Clarke says calmly holding up a pen, “in the eye. With this pen.”

“Go back to writing your papers.”

And Clarke tried. She really did but in the end, she was failing at it. Which is how come Thursday, she’d gotten maybe 5 hours of sleep total. She was walking around like a Zombie. Octavia and Clarke’s two-person study group turned into all their friends, minus Bellamy, and they ended up in a study room in the library.

It was almost 6 pm Thursday and they’d forgotten to stop to eat. Again.

Bellamy walked over to the table carrying bags of food.

“Alright kids,” he says placing a box in front of everyone, “eat up.”

Everyone thanks him and starts eating instantly except Clarke. She’s staring at a picture of a meme from 2016.

“Clarke?” Bellamy snaps his fingers in front of her face.

That’s when she starts laughing uncontrollably.

Everyone looks at her then looks around at each other. 

“What’s wrong with her?” Monty asks looking to Murphy who was sitting next to her.

“She’s looking at memes,” Murphy says. He places a hand on her shoulder shaking her slightly, “Hey dumbass you’re supposed to be writing a paper.”

“I know,” Clarke says still laughing, “But what’s the point?”

“What do you mean?” Jaspers asks apprehensively.

“What’s the point?” Clarke asks again getting very serious. “We’re in school paying thousands of dollars so what? We can go out into the world and get jobs and feed the monster that is capitalism? Why should we do that? Because society has told us that’s how we determine our worth. The fuck is that about?”

“Clarke are you ok?” Octavia asks and Clarke looks at her.

Clarke then suddenly looks back at her computer and switches back to her document and starts rapidly typing.

“When’s the last time you slept?” Bellamy put his hand on Clarke’s shoulder.

“I don’t need sleep I take little micro-naps every time I blink,” she reaches into her bag and pulls out an energy drink and chugs it. “Besides who needs sleep when you have caffeine?”

“That’s not a safe idea,” Bellamy scoffs.

“You’re not a safe idea,” Clarke taunts.

“Great rebuttal,” Bellamy rolls his eyes.

Clarke ignores him and goes back to typing. No one takes their eyes off her as she continues to type. A minute or so later she throws her fist in the air.

“I am the master commander!” She yells.

“How much sleep have you gotten?” Bellamy asks again.

“I already told you about my micro naps. Besides I can’t sleep until after I study,” she says pulling out another energy drink.

Bellamy takes it from her and she whines at him.

“Was that your last paper?” He asks and she nods. He looks to the rest of the group, “I’m going to take her home so she can actually sleep. Don’t forget to take care of yourselves.”

“No sleep ‘til… Brooklyn,” Clarke laughs low and Bellamy grabs her laptop and bag and drags her out of the room.

She doesn’t resist him as he leads her back to her apartment. When she has trouble with the keys he takes them from her hand and opens the door for her. He sets down her items on the table and guides her to her room. 

She lays on her bed and feels her shoes slide off her feet which was odd considering she was wearing high tops. It took her a moment to realize that Bellamy was still in the room with her and that he was taking her shoes off.

“I’ve set an alarm to wake you in a few hours so you can get up and study,” he says.

She opens her eyes a fraction to see his face about a foot away from hers.

“Thanks, Bell,” she murmurs and drifts off to sleep.

* * *

“Thanks, Bell.”

Octavia was the only one who’d ever called him that. So when Clarke said it, it took him by surprise. He didn’t mind though, actually, he liked it more than he cared to admit. She looked so peaceful sleeping like the weight of everything that’s happened to her had been removed from her conscious, it was in that moment when Bellamy realized just how beautiful she was. And how much he actually cared for her.

He almost leaned down to kiss her forehead, but then he stopped himself. He quickly backs away shocked by the impulse he’d had and leaves the apartment. 

“Oh shit,” he whispers.


	10. Free Fallin'

_And All the bad boys are standing in the shadows_

_And the good girls are home with broken hearts_ \- Tom Petty

Clarke didn’t know what she was going to do for the holidays, it’s not like she could go home. She could go to Wells but that had proven to be kind of a bust in years past. And now that she had more friends than just Wells, they were constantly asking her what she was doing over break.

‘The usual,’ she’d said. It wasn’t a lie per se, but it was vague and everyone had just inferred what she meant. That she would be going home to family same as them. But she wasn’t. She would stay in her apartment and watch cheesy movies and eat all the junk food imaginable.

The entire group made a plan to come back for new years and party it up hard. Clarke saw Bellamy grimace slightly at the thought of all of them being drunk again.

But for now, two days before Christmas, Clarke was alone. Basically, the whole building was full of college students so it was empty, except for maybe one or two people but they lived a few floors away from her. So, Clarke had no problem in singing at the top of her lungs.

After she finished her own personal concert she settled down on the couch with her assortment of junk food to watch Christmas movies on Netflix.

She was in the middle of her third movie when her phone rang.

“Hello?”

“Hey Griffin,” Wells greeted, “how’s it going?”

“As well as it could be,” she says taking another bite of her ice cream.

“Did you stay home again?”

“Yes,” she admits sheepishly.

“Clarke -”

“Wells, stop. You know as well as I do, that anywhere I go is filled with pity and sad looks and I don’t want that.”

“I know. Ok now for the second reason I called; Merry Christmas.”

“Merry Christmas to you too, but you realize there are two more days until Christmas right?”

“Clarke, Christmas is tomorrow,” Wells chuckles.

They continue to talk on the phone until Clarke hears noises from outside her door. She makes a flippant remark before saying goodbye and hanging up. She quietly tiptoes over to the door and peaks out the peephole. Outside her door is Finn leaning on the wall facing her door. Not caring if he heard or not, she latched the chain on her door.

She waited for him to leave and when he didn’t, breathing got harder and harder. He wasn’t leaving but he wasn’t knocking either. Then it dawned on her, he was waiting for her to come out.

Clarke froze. What the fuck could he want? What else could he possibly take from her? They hadn’t seen each other in a month and he chose right now to show up at her door? How did he even know that she was home? Did he see her car in the parking lot? But even then there’s the chance that she got a ride to the airport, was he really risking that?

Clarke looked over at the door chain, there’s no way he hadn’t heard it, which means he knew someone was home.

“I can see your shadow by the door Clarke,” Finn finally speaks, “And I know it’s not Octavia because she would’ve opened the door by now.”

Clarke stays silent trying to catch her breath.

“Just open the door and we can talk without anyone else interrupting us,” he continues.

Clarke closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. She should call someone, she knows that. But everyone’s gone. She could call the police but Finn would sweet talk them and get out of it. Until for the first time in a long time, Clarke got a stroke of luck.

Her phone buzzed with a text.

 **Murphy:** Is there any chance that you are at home? I couldn’t stand being around my family anymore.

 **Clarke:** As it turns out I am at home, but watch out Finn is camped out at my door.

 **Murphy:** Great cuz that’s what we all need. More Finn in our lives. I’ll be over in five.

 **Clarke:** Perf.

 **Murphy:** do I need to bring real food or do you actually have things in your kitchen I can cook with?

 **Clarke:** Ice cream is real food.

 **Murphy:** so i’m bringing food.

Clarke smiled at the text and looked back through the peephole. Finn was still out there.

“C’mon Clarke, we should talk about this. I still love you. We can work this out. I’m sorry about Raven I was going to break up with her I promise,” the change in his voice sent a chill down Clarke’s spine.

She wanted to scoff at him, to ask if Raven was all he thought he did wrong, and then curse him out for everything he’d done to her and the way he made her feel. But she forced herself to stay quiet. Murphy would be here soon and then Finn would leave.

It wasn’t too much longer before Clarke heard footsteps coming down the hall.

“Get out of here Finn,” Murphy’s voice sent a wave of relief through Clarke.

“Please, just get her to hear me out,” Finn pleaded.

“Clarke’s a big girl if she wanted to talk to you she would,” Murphy came into her line of sight with two bags of groceries.

He didn’t even knock on the door before Clarke undid the chain and opened the door for him. Finn caught her gaze and held it for a second.

“Clarke -” he started with puppy eyes.

“Fuck you,” was all she said before closing the door and locking up again.

She turned to find Murphy making himself at home in the kitchen.

“So, you want to explain to me why you’re here alone on Christmas Eve?” He asks pulling out ingredients from the bags.

“Do you?” Clarke counters.

“Not particularly.”

“Then I guess we’ll find something else to talk about.”

Murphy laughs and grabs a knife. He twirls it between his fingers before working on chopping up the veggies.

* * *

 

Murphy had finished cooking the risotto with roasted vegetables and the two of them were sitting at the table talking in a way they hadn’t gotten a chance to before.

They were currently talking about the differences in their upbringings and some of Clarke’s stories had Murphy in tears.

“So, Bellamy wasn’t far off when he called you a princess?” Murphy teases and Clarke rolls her eyes.

“Maybe not, but he doesn’t have to know that,” Clarke pointed her fork at him in a threatening manner.

“Don’t worry I won’t tell. Aren’t your parents upset that you aren’t with them for the holidays?”

“I wouldn’t know, I thought we weren’t talking about it?”

“We don’t have to I’m just curious,” he says and after a moment adds, “Do you not talk to them a lot?”

“Not as much as I used to.”

“What happened?” The look in Murphy’s eyes makes Clarke almost tell him.

“What happened with you? You were at home, and I can’t imagine that you’d rather spend time with lonely ol’ me,” Clarke jokes.

“Actually, as it turns out yes. My dad. . . he’s just being his normal dickish self and I thought that maybe this time would be different but it wasn’t and I couldn’t handle being there anymore,” Murphy shrugs as if it’s not a big deal. “But now I get to hang out with you for Christmas. Congrats you’re not officially my best friend.”

“Oh no, that’s too much responsibility for me.”

“Well then I guess I will just be friendless,” Murphy sighs dramatically.

Clarke laughs.

“So, what happened between you and Finn?”

Clarke wasn’t ready for the sudden mood shift. She stares at her plate unsure of how to do this.

“I’m sorry you don’t have to tell me.”

“No, I will. What do you know?”

“Only that you went over to Bellamy’s the night you two broke up and what he told us. Octavia was pissed one that you went to Bellamy instead of her and two that she had to hear it from Bellamy. Then he scolded her and told us all that the only thing we had to know was that you broke up with him and that we should avoid the topic.”

That explains why no one really brought it up after that night.

“It was kind of weird.”

“What?” Clarke asks looking up.

“I’d never seen Bellamy like that. He looked like he normally did when Octavia broke up with someone but there was a quality to it that felt different. So what happened?”

So, Clake told him everything leaving nothing out, all while staring at her plate again. When she finished she cautiously looked to Murphy. He was looking at her tapping the table with his fore and middle finger.

“If he was still outside your door, I’d kick his ass.”

“I know.” Even though that was the last thing she wanted.

“I’m surprised that Bellamy hasn’t already.”

“He looked about ready to when we went to get my stuff, but I got him out of there quickly so he wouldn’t. And I’m pretty sure if he had known where Finn lived the night I stayed with him he would’ve gone and beat him up in the middle of the night.”

“Well I would’ve joined him and if he shows his face again I just might do it anyway.”

“Please don’t,” Clarke says, “I don’t want to have to deal with him any more than I have too and I’d rather you didn’t go to jail. You’re too good a cook.”

“So, you’re just using me for my cooking?” Murphy asks.

“Yeah, what you think we actually like you?”

Murphy makes a face at her that was a mix between shocked and hurt and she laughs at him.

“I’m shocked and offended.”

“You’ll live.”


	11. To Build A Home

_ There is a house built out of stone, wooden floors, walls, and window sills _

_ Tables and chairs worn by all of the dust _

_ This is a place where I don't feel alone -  _ Cinematic Orchestra

Christmas had always been one of Bellamy’s favorite times of the year. When he was younger it was one of the only holidays his mom for sure had off. And now that he was an adjunct professor at a college that had Jan-term he didn’t have to worry about making a lesson plan quickly over the break.

But this time felt different. His mom was spending more time at home and whenever she did go out she would come back tired and looking sick. Anytime he or Octavia would ask how Aurora was feeling she’d tell them not to worry about it. After the fifth time they asked, they decided to drop it until at least after Christmas and before they went back to the dorms. 

Bellamy was sitting on the couch watching a stupid Christmas movie with Octavia. Well, he wasn’t exactly watching, he was staring at his phone. He was debating texting Clarke to ask how her holidays were going, or to wish her a merry Christmas.

“Oh my god,” Octavia groans, “Just fucking text her for Christ's sake.”

“What? What are you talking about?” Bellamy dropped his phone on his stomach.

“I’m talking about you staring longingly at your phone. Just buck up and text Clarke already, this whole brooding thing is getting really old.”

“O, I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Bellamy says and Octavia gives him a look.

“Oh, so you’re not falling in love with my best friend?” She mocks.

“I wouldn’t call it falling in love -”

“Ah-ha! So you admit it, you have a crush on her!”

“No, I don’t I just -” Bellamy pauses and turns his attention to the TV, “I just want to -”

“Marry her, sleep with her, date her - the list could go on brother.”

“Octavia!” Bellamy glares at her.

“Does your crush have anything to do with why Clarke and Finn broke up?”

“First of all, I still don’t have a crush on Clarke.”

“Okay,” Octavia scoffs.

“Second of all, Clarke and Finn broke up because Finn is an asshole.”

“Bellamy!” Aurora warns from the kitchen.

“Sorry, mom!” Bellamy calls back.

“So what happened?” Octavia asks.

“Not my place to say.”

“Oh c’mon, Bell,” she whines.

“Octavia, it is not my place to tell. Clarke will tell you when she’s ready.”

Bellamy looks over to his sister expecting to find a scowl on her face but instead, she’s smiling.

“You do like her,” she says smugly.

“Back on this are we?”

“I’m just saying, you don’t want to betray her trust. And clearly, she trusts you with this and you are doing everything you can to make sure that she continues to trust you,” Octavia winks at him.

“O, -”

“Bellamy, she’s right,” Aurora says suddenly appearing next to the couch.

“Not you too, mom,” Bellamy groans.

“I’ve never seen you this way over a girl before. It’s sweet,” Aurora pats his head.

“But Bellamy,” Octavia looks her brother dead in the eye, “I don’t care that you’re my brother if you hurt her I’ll kill you.”

“I won’t,” Bellamy replies earnestly.

“Good,” Octavia goes back to the movie.

“Is she going to get a similar speech?” Aurora asks.

“She doesn’t even know she likes him yet,” Octavia says smiling.

* * *

 

Christmas dinner was quieter than usual. Bellamy looked at Octavia who was looking at their mother.

“Mom, what’s up?” Octavia asks.

“Nothing, finish your dinner dear.”

Octavia looks to Bellamy.

“Mom, you’ve been acting weird all day,” Bellamy says putting down his fork and looking at his mother.

Aurora sighs and fiddles with the fork in her hand. Bellamy is sure that whatever news she has for them isn’t good.

“I have stage four breast cancer,” Aurora continues to speak but Bellamy can’t hear her.

He knows she’s speaking because he can see her lips move. He sits there in shock. He barely registers when Octavia gets up and walks over to her mom and starts hugging her.

Bellamy gets up from the table and grabs his hoodie before walking out the door. He barely hears or registers the sound of his name being called.

He walks down the block and sits on the curb before he knows what he’s doing he puts the phone to his ear and waits.

“Hello?”

This was a mistake, she was laughing at something and he couldn’t burden her with this new information that he’d gotten. Especially not on Christmas.

“Bellamy?” Clarke sounded concerned. “Are you there?”

“Yeah,” He says softly.

“Is something wrong?”

He expects her to continue asking questions when he doesn’t answer right away, but she doesn’t. And she doesn’t hang up either. She waits patiently on the other end of the line while Bellamy tries to think of what to say.

“I just wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas,” he lies.

“Merry Christmas to you too, but you’re lying to me,” she waits for him to continue when he doesn’t she does, “Bellamy you can tell me anything you know that right?”

“You’re pre-med right?”

“Yeah.”

“Stage 4 breast cancer, how bad is that?” Bellamy asks although he’s sure he already knew the answer.

“Who is it?” Her lack of an answer confirmed Bellamy’s worst fears.

“My mom.”

“Do you need me to do anything?”

That wasn’t what Bellamy was expecting her to say, he was expecting an ‘I’m sorry’ or something like that.

“I don’t know.”

“Where are you?” She asks.

“I’m sitting on the curb outside my house.”

“Go back inside and be with her.”

“But I -” he takes a deep breath realizing that she was right, “Ok, I’ll talk to you later.”

“Ok.”

“Hey, Clarke?”

“Thanks,” he whispers, “Ya know, for everything.”

“Any time,” she says and Bellamy smiles slightly before hanging up.

He walks back into his house to Octavia still had her arms wrapped around their mother. Bellamy silently walks over and copies Octavia stance. They stay there silent tears rolling down their cheeks.

“How long do we have?” Octavia asks the question that was most bothering Bellamy but he’d been too scared of the answer to ask.

“Maybe a month,” Aurora whispered.


	12. How Do You Feel Today?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry y'all :(

_I offered you my hands and I've given you my hope_   


_So let me be your salvation, I refuse to be your rope_

_So how do you feel today?_ \- Gabrielle Aplin

Clarke had been eating dinner again with Murphy when Bellamy had called on Christmas. She had bought Murphy a last minute Christmas gift, it was an apron that had a picture of a head of lettuce that says ‘lettuce cook’. Murphy claimed to hate it but Clarke knew that he loved it. It was right after that when Bellamy had called and told her what was happening.

Clarke hadn’t wasted any time in canceling the new years eve plans after Bellamy had called her. She hadn’t told Monty and Jasper exactly what was going on because that wasn’t her place. They understood and just promised to reschedule. 

It was 3 days later when Octavia called, Aurora had been rushed to the hospital the night before and didn’t make it through the night. Three hours after the phone call Murphy and Clarke hit the road to be with their friends. 

Aurora had planned her funeral the day after they’d found the cancer, so all of that was taken care of. 

* * *

The wake was reminded Clarke a lot of the one she’d attended years ago. She was camped out next to the food tables keeping an eye on Octavia. Clarke wasn’t sure how she was doing, Octavia seemed to be doing so much better than Clarke had with all the people coming up to tell her how sorry they were for her loss.

Miller and Murphy said they’d keep an eye on Bellamy. Meanwhile, Monty and Jasper were just arriving. The two boys came and stood next to Clarke while simultaneously grabbing themselves food.

“How are they holding up?” Monty asks.

“As well as to be expected, Octavia doesn’t look like she’s going to snap at all but that could change at any moment. And Bellamy just is just kind of going through the motions, but he has an expression I can’t read.

Two hours later, Monty, Jasper, and Clarke were cleaning up. Clarke was helping the caterers put their things away when Octavia came up next to Clarke.

“Have you seen Bellamy?” Octavia asks.

“He should be with Miller and Murphy,” Clarke says continuing to clean.

“Clarke, he’s not here, I’ve looked everywhere and his car is gone.”

This caught Clarke’s attention. She stopped cleaning and scanned the room.

“Normally I wouldn’t worry but -”

“No, we’ll find him.”

Clarke tries texting Bellamy but he doesn’t respond. By now everyone is involved. Miller tries calling him.

“No ring tone it just went straight to voicemail,” he says hanging up not bothering to leave a message.

“Ok, Monty, Jasper, you two take Octavia and look at their house. Miller, you go to his apartment and wait to see if he goes back there and Murphy you look at the bars,” Clarke orders.

Everyone starts moving except Murphy who looks at her.

“What are you going to do?” Murphy asks.

“I don’t know yet, just go and call me if you need anything.” Clarke gives him a look and he nods.

Clarke gets in her car and makes the short drive back to her apartment. She’s halfway up the stairs when she gets a call from Octavia.

“Tay -”

“Clarke he’s not here, I’m started to freak out,” she says. “Where are you?”

“Octavia, I’m just stopping by our place to see -”

“He just left Clarke what if. . . What if something happens to him? I can’t lose him too Clarke,” Octavia cries on the other side of the line.

“Octavia, he will be fine and once I get something from home I’m going to go look for him I promise,” Clarke tells her in the most calming voice she can manage.

Truth be told? She was also freaking out. Bellamy had slipped away without anyone noticing at first, but it couldn’t have taken them that long to notice. Clarke was about ready to join Murphy 

“Octavia,” she starts her spiel again as she opens the door.

Clarke walked in to find Bellamy sitting at the table hunched over with his head on his arm and his fist clenched.

“It’s ok I found him, have Jasper and Monty call the others,” Clarke whispers into the phone.

“Ok, I’m coming home,” Octavia says.

“No,” Clarke doesn’t know why she says this but she does, “Stay with the boys. Let me talk to Bellamy first.”

After Octavia agrees Clarke hangs up the phone.

She walked over and got down to her knees and rested her chin on his leg.

“Bellamy,” she looked up at his face and he refused to meet his gaze. 

“I just. . . I don’t. . . How do. . .” his voice breaks after he takes a moment he looks at her, “I don’t know what to do.”

“That’s ok,” she reassures him she rubbed his calf with her hand, “I’m here for you.  _ I got you _ .”

He can’t control the tears that once again start to fall down his face. He reaches his free hand to her and she takes it and presses her lips to the back of his hand. She doesn’t move, even when her legs start to fall asleep, she doesn’t move until he moves.

He lets go of her hand and sits up in the chair, she stands not completely sure where to go from here. She goes to walk away but Bellamy grabs her arm stopping her and pulling her back to him. He rests his head on her stomach and grabs the back of her shirt. She places one hand on his shoulder and uses the other to run her fingers through his hair. When he pulls her closer she absentmindedly sits on his lap and Bellamy then rests his head on her chest.

Still stroking his hair, she starts to hum and rock with him.

She’s not sure how long they stay there but after a while, she whispers into his hair, “you should get some sleep.”

He hums in response.

“I told Octavia to stay with Monty and Jasper, so she won’t be home tonight so you can spend the night in her room, but I don’t think she ever got around to actually putting the sheets back on her bed so I might have to do it. Or you could just sleep in my room I have a ready-made bed.”

He chuckles softly, “ok.”

Clarke stands and leads him to her room.

She watches as he kicks off his shoes and quickly diverts her eyes when he takes off his pants so he’s in his underwear.

“Ok well, good night,” she says and starts to walk away.

“Wait,” he stops her and she turns to him, “stay.”

“Bellamy -”

“Please?” 

She nodded and removed her pants and crawled into bed with him. He scooches over to make room for her. They are both laying on their sides facing each other, almost touching but not.

“Thank you,” he mumbles his eyes closed

“Anytime,” she says not sure if he heard because he fell asleep.

She’s almost positive he’s asleep until he opens his eyes.

“Do you think I’ll feel like this forever?” He whispers, his voice is almost childlike and it breaks Clarke’s heart.

“Not all the time no,” she says after thinking for a minute, “Over time the pain fades a bit but it’s almost always there.”

“What about when it’s not?”

“Well sometimes you’re going to forget, and then you’ll remember and somehow that’s worse,” Clarke fights the lump in her throat.

“How do you know?” Bellamy’s eye contact hadn’t wavered, Clarke wasn’t sure he’d even blinked.

“That’s a story for another time,” she answers.

She fights the urge to reach out and stroke the hair that had fallen and covered his eyes. God, she wanted to touch him, just to feel his skin in contact with hers. But that was selfish and she knew it. And she wouldn’t be selfish. Not today.

Clarke watched as Bellamy struggled to keep his eyes open, each blink became longer and longer.

“Go to sleep Bellamy,” she whispered softly.

“Will you be here when I wake up?” There it was again, the childlike voice.

“Yes,” no hesitation, no need to think.

He smiled at her response and in no time at all he was sound asleep.

Of course, she’d always be here if that’s what he wanted. She would leave if that’s what he needed but she’d always be there if he ever changed his mind. That’s when she realized that she was utterly, hopelessly, and undeniably in love with the man that lay beside her.

“Oh shit,” she whispers.


	13. Happier

_'Cause baby you look happier you do_

_My friends tell me one day I'll feel it too_

_And until then I'll smile and hide the truth_ \- Ed Sheeran

**One year and one week later**

“Clarke you need to calm down,” Raven says in an exasperated sigh.

“Why are you even nervous?” Octavia asks.

That was a loaded question. One that Clarke couldn’t find a good answer to. Because what would she tell them? ‘Oh, I’m just nervous to see the guy that I’ve been in love with for a year after he just up and left after last school year.’ No, she hadn’t told anyone about her feelings for Bellamy, especially not Bellamy. Not like that mattered. Once the school year ended last year he had taken off and did god knows what, well traveling but he didn’t tell Clarke that she’d had to hear it from Octavia, without so much as a goodbye.

The three girls were sitting in Clarke’s apartment talking about Bellamy’s welcome back party that they were having tomorrow, and drinking wine while eating mac and cheese. It was still the middle of Jan-term so they didn’t have classes to worry about yet.

Clarke sighs deeply and the other girls give her a look.

“This doesn’t leave this room,” she says and they nod and scoot closer with excited looks, “I’m in love with Bellamy.”

“What?” Raven gasps.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Octavia screeches.

“Jesus Christ, don’t make such a big fucking deal outta it,” Clarke warns.

“Shut up,” Raven points a finger at her, “You don’t get to drop a bomb like that on us and then expect us to not have a reaction to it!”

“For how long?” Octavia sips her wine.

“About a year, maybe longer,” this particular revelation causes Octavia to half spit out, half choke on her sip of wine.

“That long?” Raven absent-mindedly pats Octavia’s back. “For fuck’s sake, Clarke. Why didn’t you tell us?”

“Because it was a really inappropriate time to realize it so I ignored it for a while and then I couldn’t anymore and by the time I was brave enough to tell him -”

“He left -” Octavia finished, “Oh shit.”

“You still could’ve told us,” Raven looks a little offended.

“When did you realize?”

Clarke looked at Octavia, “The day of the funeral.”

“It was that night wasn’t it?” Octavia’s stare was unwavering.

“Yeah,” Clarke bit her lip.

“And you didn’t do anything about it.” It wasn’t a question.

“Of course not.”

Raven watched silently while the two girls stared at each other.

“Damn Griffin, you’re in deep,” Octavia chuckles.

“Yeah, well I’m no longer feeling brave.”

“But you’re still in love with him and he’s been in Europe for what? Almost six months? And come to think of it I haven’t seen you so much as flirt with someone,” Raven tells her as if Clarke had no recollection of the past year.

“So you’re loyal to a guy that doesn’t even know you like him, let alone love him,” Octavia coos.

“And we’re the only people that know?” Raven looks a little too happy at this notion.

“I mean, Murphy might have a hunch but I haven’t told him -”

“Call Murphy,” Octavia orders Raven who already has her phone to her ear.

“Murphy, you should join us at Octavia and Clarke’s. . .  NO, god you’re gross. . . Not that either, it’s something much more exciting,” Raven abruptly hangs up and smiles at Clarke.

“So, how are the applications to med school?” Octavia changes the subject.

“Fine, I won’t hear anything thing back yet for a few months but I think I’ll be good,” Clarke glares at her friends.

“And you want to be a pedestrian right?” Raven smiles.

“What are you two doing?”

There was a knock at the door.

“That was fast,” Octavia says standing and opening the door to a panting Murphy.

“What’s up?” He comes in and plops himself in between Clarke and Raven.

“Did you know that Clarke was in love with Bellamy?” Octavia sits across from him.

“I mean I guessed, it was kind of obvious for a minute.” He shrugs.

“What? How?” Raven and Octavia ask.

“Well, it was more obvious on Christmas last year when he called. Her whole demeanor changed the instant she saw his name on her phone,” Murphy smirks.

Clarke mouths a quick ‘fuck you’ to the boy.

“He called you on Christmas?” Octavia asks but is lost in her own head.

“Yeah, after he got the news,” Clarke looks at the drink in front of her, she clears her throat and looks back up, “When’s the last time you talked to him?”

“A few days ago, he says he’s excited to see everyone,” Octavia shrugs.

“Anyway, let’s go back to talking about the fact that Clarke’s in love with Bellamy,” Muphy suggests.

“Yeah shit Clarke, I mean I knew you had a crush on him but love?” Octavia smiles again, “That’s a whole new ball game.”

The three of them continued to tease Clarke well into the night, not that Clarke was paying much attention. She was just excited to see Bellamy again.

* * *

Somehow, Miller was able to snag the corner circular booth at the bar. Octavia was sitting next to Raven on the side that was facing the door. Clarke was sitting next to Murphy who begrudgingly was seated next Jasper.

Jasper was talking to Monty very enthusiastically causing Murphy to grumble something into Clarke’s ear every few minutes. Miller was listening to Raven very intently, and Octavia was watching the door very closely.

“There he is!” Octavia stands and waves her brother over. Her smile falters and her eyebrows knit together, she looks confused. 

“What is it?” Raven asks standing to peek over the booth, Clarke watches as Raven’s face quickly changes to match Octavia’s expression.

Before Clarke or anyone else has a chance to ask what is happening Bellamy walks over arm around a girls shoulders. Clarke looks to her left at Murphy who is staring at her with wide eyes.

“Hey, guys!” Bellamy beams at the group. 

They return the greeting with the same amount of energy, except Clarke; who’s trying her best not to be too judgemental of the girl with Bellamy. But she was blindsided.

She reminded herself to stay calm that she didn’t know what this girl was to Bellamy, maybe she was just a really good friend. And it worked for about two seconds.

“Who’s this?” Octavia asks with a fake smile plastered on her face.

“This is my girlfriend, Echo.” Bellamy kisses Echo’s temple.

“Fun!” Octavia says patting Raven’s back who had started choking on her drink. “Super fun.”

“The funnest, don’t you think Clarke?” Murphy mocks Octavia’s tone.

Clarke kicks him under the table.

“Fuck,” Murphy mutters.

“Sorry,” Clarke stares pointedly, “apparently I don’t know how to control myself.”

“So not much has changed has it, princess?” Bellamy calls her attention to him.

Clarke turns to see a smug smile playing at his lips, she felt her heart skip a beat. She could swear he’s flirting with her but he wouldn’t, not in front of his new girlfriend and because he clearly didn’t and never felt that way about her.

“Well, at least not for me no.” Clarke turns her attention to Echo (who looks oddly familiar), “I’m Clarke.”

“Nice to meet you,” Echo smiles but there’s something in her eyes that doesn’t match the unthreatening vibe she’s trying to give off.

“Oh right, Echo, this is Octavia, Raven, Miller, Monty, Jasper, and Murphy,” Bellamy then looks at the booth, “I’m going to grab us some chairs.”

“And I’ll get us some drinks,” Echo offers.

Once they’re out of earshot Octavia whips her head to face Clarke and Murphy. “What the fuck is this fresh bullshit?”

“He never said anything about having a girlfriend on the phone?” Raven asks.

“Not to me!” Octavia sneers.

“I’m sorry how do you go from not having a girlfriend to finding one in Europe and bringing her home?” Murphy asks.

“I guess there’s only one way to find out,” Monty mutters then in a louder voice says, “Bellamy, tells us, how do you go to Europe for a few months and then find someone that you need to bring home?”

Bellamy comes back with a single chair, sets it down and sits in it.

“Actually,” Bellamy looks down bashfully, “I’ve been stateside for two months now.”

“Excuse me?” Octavia looks about ready to kill him.

“I was going around Europe when I realized that I’d never taken the time to actually go see the sights in this country,” he shrugs, “So I came back. And I traveled here for a bit, then I met Echo who actually goes here and then I don’t know she just kind of tagged along.”

Everyone is silent as they stare at Bellamy.

“What?” He asks.

Before anyone has a chance to comment on his choices Echo walks back up.

“Here ya go,” Echo puts down a whiskey sour.

“You do mixed drinks now?” Miller’s trying to hold his composure.

“They taste good!” Bellamy defends his choice.

“Where’s my chair?” Echo asks.

“Oh, sorry babe, I could only find the one,” Bellamy places his hand on the small of her back.

“You can have my seat,” Clarke stands, attracting everyone’s eyes.

“Are you sure?” She asks, the uncertainty in her voice sounds fake to Clarke.

“Yeah, I have something to do and I just came to say ‘hi’ to Bellamy,” Clarke lies.

“Clarke -” Bellamy starts but is cut off.

“I’ll walk you home,” Murphy stands, placing his hand on her back guiding her to the door.

They are halfway to the door before Clarke knows it.

“What are you doing?” She whispers.

“I have an idea.”

“What kind of idea?”

Murphy opens the door glancing back at the group.

“Probably the best idea I’ve ever had,” he says as they walk out.

“That’s not reassuring.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *cue evil laughter*


	14. Gale Song

_ I wasn't there to take his place _

_ I was 10,000 miles away - _   The Lumineers

Clarke stares at Murphy in disbelief. She opens her mouth three separate times to say something before changing her mind. He was standing in the kitchen and she was sitting on the other side of the island. Murphy’s expression was almost unreadable to Clarke. But she could see the hint of mischief in his eyes.

“I don’t know what that was!” Octavia exclaims slamming the door.

“That was all Murphy!” Clarke yells and points.

“Thanks, Griffin,” he deadpans.

“It’s a stupid plan!” Clarke’s voice cracks.

“No, it’s not,” Octavia walks over to Murphy. “It’s fucking brilliant. You should’ve seen the look on Bellamy’s face while you walked away. And then he looked back at us and, trying to be as casual as he could, was like ‘how long as that been going on?’ It was priceless.”

“And what did you guys say?” Murphy asks looking so proud of himself.

“Raven said two months. And Miller just played along like it was both their ideas. Clarke, you have to go along with this,” Octavia laughs.

Clarke looks back and forth between the two of them, “So you want me to pretend to be in a relationship with Murphy to make Bellamy jealous?”

“No, not to make him jealous -” Octavia counters.

“Absolutely to make him jealous,” Murphy makes a face at Octavia.

“I don’t know guys -”

“Clarke, please,” Octavia groans throwing her head back, “if not for you. Do it purely because it’s so much fun to watch Bellamy squirm under the knowledge that he might have jumped too soon into a relationship that he didn’t feel the need to tell me about. Or anyone for that matter.

“I mean I’ll do it, but I don’t think it will work,” Clarke says and her two friends give her a doubtful look, “What? Just because I’m in love with him doesn’t mean that he feels the same or ever will.”

“Well, I guess we’ll just have to find out,” Murphy shrugs.

“Murphy, are you doing anything tomorrow?” Octavia asks.

“No, why?”

“You should spend the night, Bellamy’s going to be here in the morning and watching his face when he realizes you were here all night will bring me nothing by joy,” Octavia bounces.

Murphy looks at Clarke smiling.

“This isn’t going to end well,” Clarke gets up and walks to her room only to be joined by Murphy seconds later. “What are you doing?”

“Sleeping.”

“Uhh, no?”

“Yeah, you know Bellamy has a key and that he gets up at the ass crack of dawn and if he sees me on the couch our cover is blown.”

Clarke knows he’s right but she didn’t like it.

“You’re not sharing a bed with me,” she crosses her arms.

“Aw, c’mon we’ve already shared a bed. It’s not like anything’s going to happen.”

“First of all, we were fucking plastered and you know that.”

“Whatever,” Murphy rolls his eyes.

So Murphy slept on the floor. At least for the first part of the night, somewhere in the middle of the night, he crawled into Clarke’s bed.

“Murphy,” she groaned.

“What? The ground hurts and I’ll stay on my side,” he grumbles.

Clarke too tired to fight the subject anymore falls back asleep.

* * *

There was a knock at Clarke’s door. She turned her head to find Murphy with his back to her and almost closed her eyes to go back to sleep.

“Hey, Clarke?” Bellamy’s voice seemed to spark something in Murphy because he quickly turned over and wrapped himself around Clarke. When she groaned at this Bellamy took it as a sign that it was ok for him to open the door. “Octav- uhh. Um, Octavia has breakfast ready.”

He quickly exits the room. She can feel Murphy shaking with laughter.

“It’s too fucking early for this shit.”

“C’mon princess,” Murphy murmurs, “we have a reputation to uphold.”

“Don’t call me that.”

Clarke gets up and walks to the kitchen with Murphy hot on her trail. Clarke walks to the table coming to a sudden stop when her eyes land on Bellamy who was trying to burn a hole in the table with his eyes. Murphy, who didn’t notice Clarke had stopped, ran into her.

“The fuck?” Murphy’s body forced Clarke to stumble forward and his hands went out to steady her.

Clarke looks at Bellamy again who now has his attention directed at Murphy. 

“Hey, Blake.” Murphy snakes his arms around her waist and rests his head on her shoulder.

Clarke twists to look at Murphy who was smirking at Bellamy. Clarke felt her face get hot and she turned her gaze away from the boys. She pulls away from Murphy and sits in the chair across from Bellamy. Murphy takes his seat and with a loud scraping sound (clearly only done to piss Bellamy off more) moves his chair right next to Clarkes and drapes his arm around the back of the chair.

Octavia walks over and sets a plate of pancakes that were slightly darker than they should be. 

“I tried to make scrambled eggs but I burnt them,” she admits sheepishly.

“But you managed to make pancakes?” Clarke tries to hold back her smile.

“Ya, know what Griffin,” Octavia places her hands on her hips, “If you’re going to be rude you can starve.”

Clarke raises her hands in defeat.

To describe breakfast in a word, awkward. Bellamy was glaring at Murphy and Clarke tried to keep her focus on Octavia but Octavia looked as if she was going to die from keeping her laughter to herself. Clarke finished her food as quickly as she could before getting up and cleaning the kitchen.

She fully expected John to follow her but he didn’t. When she turned to look for him, he was still sitting in the chair looking as cocky as ever.

“John!” She called to him.

“Coming babe,” he winks at Bellamy as he gets up and walks over to Clarke.

“I’m going to fucking kill you,” Clarke whispers and Murphy surprises her by kissing her cheek.

“I’ll see you guys later,” Bellamy says and rushes out the door.

Once the door closes Octavia walks over and high-fives Murphy.

“You guys are the worst,” Clarke starts washing the dishes.

“Oh c’mon Clarke!” Murphy scoffs, “Did you not see how his blood was boiling every time I so much as talked to you? And his face when he walked in on us in bed? Priceless.”

“You should’ve heard his grumbling when he walked out,” Octavia laughs, “He couldn’t stop talking about how he ‘couldn’t believe that Clarke would date someone like that’.”

“He said that?” Clarke asks.

“Yeah, why?” Octavia raises her eyebrow.

“I just think it’s a little hypocritical is all.”

“So are you in?” Murphy asks.

“Wipe the smug expression on your face before I slap it off,” Clarke points at him.

“Careful Griffin or I might fall in love with you,” Murphy says. “But you are in right?”

“Yeah -” she answers and Octavia and Murphy breakout into celebratory remarks. “I’m going to regret this aren’t I?”

The pair don’t say anything, they just smile at the blonde.


	15. Friends

 

_Friends just sleep in another bed_

_and friends don't treat me like you do_ \- Ed Sheeran

Clarke knew that lying to Bellamy about being in a relationship to make him jealous. But she couldn’t help it if the glares he gave Murphy any time they were together made her smile. Although Echo was someone she could do without. Echo, to put it bluntly, was a giant bitch. And it would be one thing if she was only a bitch to Clarke, Clarke could handle and maybe even understand that, but no she was a bitch to everyone. She dialed it down a lot when Bellamy was around but the instant he left to get drinks or go to the bathroom she would make snide comments or just be blatantly rude.

Clarke was sitting at a table in the relatively empty library when Bellamy dumped all his belongings on the table and sat in front of her.

“Whatcha doing?” She asks looking up from her book.

“Well, I need to get some grading done,” he shrugs then looks up at her, “and I wanted to ask you about something.”

“Ok,” Clarke says slowly a little uneasy about his tone of voice.

“Murphy?”

Clarke chuckles, “What about him?”

“Well, you’re dating him?”

“And?” Clarke puts down her book and leans forward in her chair challenging Bellamy.

“It’s just-” Bellamy pauses, “You could have anyone you wanted and you chose Murphy?”

 _Not anyone,_ Clarke thinks.

“What does it matter to you who I chose? And I thought you liked Murphy,” she points out.

“I do but-”

Clarke sits waiting for him to elaborate but he just shakes his head and pulls out his laptop.

Clarke picks her book back up and starts reading again. She gets a few more pages in before Bellamy starts talking again.

“Ok, I’m not saying that I don’t like Murphy, because I do he’s great. He’s just not who I see you with.”

It was irrational, she knows this, but it didn’t stop her from getting pissed off, like really pissed off, at his comment.

“Oh, he’s not who you see me with, is he? So, pray tell, who do you see me with? Because I would love to know. I would love to know who Bellamy Blake deems worthy enough to date me,” she keeps her voice down but anyone who can hear her hears the rage that is present in every word, “You left. You left everyone, you left _me_. I had to hear from Octavia that you were gone. But even then I was like ya know what fine, he recently lost his mom he’s going through something I get it, I understand. But then you come back like nothing happened. You come back like nothing’s changed, but everything changed and you bring your girlfriend who is, frankly, rude it everyone. But we put on a brave face because, as far as we can tell, she makes you happy. And then you come here and have the nerve, the audacity to comment and judge my relationship?”

“Wait -”

“No, no, I’m not done.” Once she’s sure he’s going to stay quiet she starts up again. “You don’t get to come here and judge my relationship with Murphy because he was there every time I almost ran back to Finn. And I know that I shouldn’t and I didn’t but only because he was there to stop me, sometimes Raven, but mostly Murphy. So you might not think he’s ‘not good enough for me’ or whatever bullshit you want to spew but you can take your opinion and shove it up your ass.”

Clarke grabs her book and her bag and storms into the stairwell leaving Bellamy to absorb what she just said.

It was true what she’d told him. Murphy had been there a lot over the past year. It was hard because Clarke had always been kind of a backslider when it came to her exes but she couldn’t do that with Finn. So thank god for Murphy.

* * *

Clarke told Murphy about that conversation and so in response, Murphy turned the charm WAY up around Bellamy. And Clarke said nothing about it.

Bellamy reverted to a similar attitude from when he and Clarke first met, only this time it was worse. He clearly still had a problem with Murphy and Clarke ‘dating’ and Clarke prayed that he would say something so she could put him in his place again.

They were all in Clarke and Octavia’s living room for game night.

The group was trying to figure out what game to play. Miller kept suggesting Monopoly, Clarke suspects is because if the group played that game they’d end up hating each and he’d get out of coming to these things. Monty was suggesting games with only four players, which also wouldn’t work. Murphy and Raven weren't being any help, but they were being better than Echo who seemed to live her life to shoot down anything and everything Clarke or the rest of the group said.

Clarke was a second away from yelling at her to stop being a bitch and make a suggestion.

“Charades against humanity,” Jasper suddenly gasps.

“No,” Echo states.

“Do you even know what it is?” Raven asks with narrow eyes.

“No,” Echo says.

“It’s basically charades with the white cards from cards against humanity and you act them out,” Monty says.

Maybe people were done arguing over what to play, maybe they actually liked the idea, or maybe they were fed up with Echo shooting down every option that they offered up and kind of wanted to make her do something that she would clearly hate.

So, when Echo had a face and looked like she was about to shoot down the idea everyone chorused a resounding yes that lit up Jasper’s face.

“It sounds dumb,” Echo grumbles.

Clarke opens her mouth to say something but Murphy places his hand on her knee and gives her a look. Clarke closes her mouth and turns her attention to Jasper who was setting up the teams.

It was things like that that made Clarke momentarily forget that Murphy wasn’t actually dating her, not that she wanted to actually date him, it was just the knowledge that he knew her well enough to know that she was going to snap and that he should stop her. And it made her want to laugh because she could see Bellamy get more and more frustrated because of it.

“Ok well, there’s no way that we are having Clarke and Murphy on the same team because they have this weird telepathy thing going on and I will not have it,” Monty orders being more serious than Clarke has ever seen him.

The teams ended up being Raven, Monty, and Miller; Octavia, Jasper, and Murphy; and Clarke, Bellamy, and Echo.

Clarke shoots Miller a look and he snorts in attempt to hide his laughter. The other teams go before Clarke’s and she has to admit the game is really fun, especially listening to people just yell out whatever cards they can remember. When it came time for their team Echo says that Bellamy should go.

Begrudgingly he stands and walks over to the stack of cards.

“Ok,” Octavia’s finger hovers over her phone before pressing the button, “GO!”

Bellamy picks up a card looks at it and then starts acting it out. He’s pointing at his ass then to his face.

“Ass face?” Echo asks and he shakes his head.

Clarke would normally just let this continue but Echo was taking too long and Clarke is competitive.

“Having anuses for eyes?” Clarke asks blankly like it was the most obvious answer in the world.

Bellamy taps his nose before moving on to the next card. All he does is gesture down to his whole body.

Echo blankly stares at him.

“A micropenis!” Clarke yells and Bellamy glares at her. With a grin, she changes her answer, “Brown people.”

Tapping his nose again he grabs a new card and starts hopping around.

“A gassy antelope,” Clarke says.

He moves on and starts pulling an imaginary string from his ass. Echo watches them closely as her facial expression becomes more and more hostile.

“Anal beads.”

He pulls a new card and mimes digging a hole.

“Grave robbing.”

For his next one, he just points at Miller.

“Gay people!”

“Hey!” Miller objects as Octavia called time.

Bellamy puts out his hand and Clarke gives him a high five.

“Clearly we split up the wrong couple,” Jasper mumbles.

“Yeah,” Murphy teases and looks at Bellamy and Clarke, “Are you sure you two aren’t dating?”

Clarke is about to say something when Echo shoots him a deathly glare.

“Jeez, I’m kidding,” Murphy puts his hands up, “Obviously, Griffin and I are boning.”

Clarke puts her head in her hands peeking through her fingers to see Murphy smirking at her.

“Moving on,” Bellamy says abruptly.

At the end of the night, Clarke and Bellamy raked up the most cards, no thanks to Echo, and won the game with promises from Monty and Jasper that they would never be on the same team for any game ever again.


	16. You and Me (Part 2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know I updated this yesterday but i got bored so here ya go

_'Cause we're two kids tryin' start a fight_

_no matter where we go yeah we'll be alright_

_all I'm asking for a bit of patience, please_

_because I know what's to come and it's coming for you and me_

The Monday after game night Clarke was sitting in her living room reading a book. Octavia was in class so Clarke had the place to herself until at least 4 pm. It was a little after 3 pm when Bellamy walked in and sat in the chair adjacent to Clarke. Octavia had warned her that he would probably show up because they were getting dinner after class but that didn’t mean that Clarke had to be happy about it.

After a moment or two of silence, Bellamy spoke.

“Are you still angry at me?” He asks.

“For what?” Clarke doesn’t look up from her book but stops reading.

“For leaving.”

Clarke slams her book shut and looks at Bellamy.

“I was never angry at you for leaving, you understand that right? It was how you left.”

“What are you talking about?”

Clarke lets out an exasperated sigh. “You didn’t even say goodbye, you had your sister tell me that you were gone. Not leaving, just gone.”

“I couldn’t deal with it, Clarke. I barely made it through my last bunch of classes last school year I had to get away.”

“Why didn’t you just talk to me, or Octavia?”

“Octavia was doing a hell of a lot better than I was and it’s not like you would ever understand what I was going through? I just, I had to go figure out what I was doing with my life,” he says watching her stand from her spot on the couch.

“That’s bullshit and you know it,” her voice is rising but she’s not quite yelling.

Bellamy stands so he’s towering over her, “Really so I could listen to you tell me how it ‘gets better’ and that you ‘couldn’t imagine what I was going through’? Yeah, that’s exactly what I wanted to hear.”

“I would not have said any of that!”

“You would’ve.”

“No, because I can imagine and I know those phrases don’t mean anything!” 

“What?” Bellamy asks. “What do you mean?”

“When have you ever heard me talk about my parents?” Clarke’s voice is softer than it was a few moments before.

She watches as Bellamy’s face twists as he thinks about it.

“Never,” she answers for him. “I have never talked about them.”

“Clarke -”

“And I know that it sucks that you lost your mom but at least you got to say goodbye,” Clarke’s voice cracks and she doesn’t try to stop the tears from rolling down her face.

“What happened?”

_ “Ok bug, now remember, just call us if anything happens we won’t be mad we just want you safe,” Jake says. _

_ Clarke was so looking forward to her 16th birthday in a few months so she could finally be able to drive herself places. _

_ “Yeah dad, I know,” she sighs. _

_ It was Friday and Clarke had talked them into letting her go over to Lexa’s house for a small holiday party. Abby had been hesitant at first but then Jake convinced her by not only pointing out that it would be a good time for a date night but that Clarke would also end up spending the night. (Clarke had not been happy that they had that particular part of the discussion right in front of her leaving no room for mistake on what their plans were after dinner.) _

_ “Ok, you have your phone?” Abby twists around in her seat to look at Clarke who holds up her hot pink razor. “Ok, if you can’t get ahold of us -” _

_ “I know, I know, call Thelonious,” Clarke finishes her mother's speech. _

_ “Ok, have fun sweetie,” Abby smiles. _

_ “I will.” Clarke opens her car door and steps out. _

_ “We love you!” Jake calls before she closes the door. _

_ “I love you too,” Clarke says peering through the door before closing it. _

_ Clarke doesn’t look back as she opens the door to Lexa’s house but hears them drive away. _

_ Not two hours later, Lexa’s friend Titus had shown up and brought the party with him. Lexa assured Clarke that this was not part of the plan. But Clarke knew that if Lexa had told Titus about her ‘small holiday party’ that Lexa did it to piss off her parents.  _

_ Clarke usually wasn’t one to shy away from a little party but these people were getting too drunk too fast for Clarke’s liking.  _

_ Grabbing her jacket she walks outside not bothering to say goodbye to anyone.  _

_ She dials her mom’s phone and waits for her to pick up. _

_ “Clarke? Honey is everything ok?” Abby asks. _

_ “Yeah, everything’s fine I just don’t want to be here, there are some kids making me uncomfortable,” Clarke says. _

_ “Are you hurt?” _

_ “No, they’re not doing anything, I just want to go home before things start happening,” Clarke shrugs. _

_ “Ok, can you hold out for just a few more minutes? We just have to pay and we’ll head out,” Abby says. _

_ “Yeah, how long do you think that will take?” _

_ “20 minutes, 30 at the most,” Abby says. _

_ “Ok, I’ll see you then.” Clarke hangs up and pulls her jacket closer to her body. She’s fully aware that it’s the end of December and that the best option would be to go back inside but then she’d have to talk to Lexa and she might wonder why Clarke was leaving early and Clarke wasn’t in the mood to be teased. _

_ Time passes and Clarke is still waiting for her parents. _

_ “They’re probably stuck in traffic,” Clarke tells herself after the 45-minute mark. _

_ It was after the hour and 30-minute mark when Clarke was starting to get really worried. It was another half an hour before a cop car pulled up in front of Lexa’s house.  _

_ Clarke barely registers the commotion that goes on behind her of all the underage kids freaking out that they were all about to get busted. _

_ The sheriff, Thelonious Jaha, steps out from the cruiser and walks up to Clarke. _

_ “You need to come with me,” he says solemnly. _

_ Clarke only nods before getting into the passenger side of the car. _

_ Jaha drove silently for what seemed like hours before he pulled up to the hospital. _

_ Clarke thought the worst for a brief moment before she remembered that they could just be injured, they might still be alive. _

_ All that hope demolishes when Jaha leads her to the morgue. _

_ “I’m not allowed to be here,” Clarke says remembering all the times Abby had told her that the morgue was for police and hospital personnel only. _

_ “Normally yes,” Jackson, a doctor Clarke recognizes from all her time spent here with Abby, “But her ID was lost in the crash and only the next of family can do this.” He pauses before continuing. “We need you to confirm the identity.” _

_ Clarke’s breath gets stuck in her throat as Jackson steps aside to reveal a body bag. He opens one and Clarke sees her mother’s lifeless body in front of her. Clarke nods not trusting her own voice. She took a moment before she realizes that they only talked about her mother. _

_ “Where’s my dad?” Clarke asks. _

_ Jaha and Jackson share a look. _

_ Clarke found herself standing in next to her father. He was laying in a hospital bed with all sorts of tubes and wires connecting him. The one that troubled Clarke the most was the one sticking out of his mouth. _

_ Clarke strokes her father’s hairline, no longer having the control over her own tears. _

_ “Just tell me,” she says. _

_ “We did everything we could be,” Jackson starts, he doesn’t have to finish for Clarke to know what he’s going to say, “But he hasn’t had any brain function since he came in.” _

_ “So what are you going to do?” She asks. _

_ “That’s up to you,” Thelonius speaks for the first time. _

_ “No it’s not,” Clarke says, “I’m not 18, I have no say over it.” _

_ “You do because I’m giving it to you. They named me their power of attorney, and I’m  not going to do anything without your approval.” _

_ Clarke looks at Jaha and then back to her father. She knows exactly what Jake would want but that doesn’t make it any easier. But then her father’s words ring through her ears, ‘The difference between the hard and the easy choice is who benefits from it. That’s why the hard choice is always harder-’ _

_ “Because it typically puts other people before you,” she whispers out loud finishing the thought. “Does he have any liable organs?” _

_ “Yeah,” Jackson says looking at his chart, “quite a bit actually.” _

_ Clarke starts stroking her father's hair again, “When the 6 hours are up, donate them.” _

_ “I have some paperwork for you then,” Jackson says to Jaha. _

_ “Are you staying here?” Jaha asks and Clarke nods. _

_ When she hears the door click she starts bawling. _

“Apparently, a drunk driver hit them while they were on their way to pick me up,” Clarke’s voice breaks.

“Clarke -” Bellamy says reaching out to touch her arm but thinks better of it.

“I swear to god if you say ‘it wasn’t your fault’ I’m going to punch you,” Clarke says.

“Ok.”

“All I’m saying is that the next time you want to run off and do things, just say goodbye,” Clarke quickly changes the subject.

“Ok,” Bellamy closes the gap between them and pulls her into a hug.

They stay there for awhile not bothering to move or say anything.

When Bellamy finally pulls away he looks at Clarke and Clarke would swear that he was about to kiss her and she wanted him to. God did she want him to. But he had Echo. 

Bellamy cups her cheek with his palm and kisses her forehead.

“Murphy’s a lucky guy,” and with that Bellamy walks out of the apartment.


	17. Surrender

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a lot goes down in this chapter  
> like so much

_No one will win this time_

_I just want you back_

_I'm running to your side_

_Flying my white flag_ \- Natalie Taylor

“Murphy’s a lucky guy?” Clarke yells. “That’s it?”

Murphy and Raven were sitting on the couch watching Clarke pace back and forth. It’s been an hour since Bellamy just walked out.

“He thinks you two are dating,” Raven shrugs.

“How? Everyone else has figured it out,” Clarke says.

“First of all, you don’t want to date me?” Murphy teases and Clarke glares at him.

“We would never work as an actual couple,” Clarke scoffs

“Second of all, I think we should break up now,” Murphy says.

“Like right this instant?” Clarke asks.

“Nah, we should have a big dramatic breakup,” Murphy smirks.

“Oh please do!” Raven gleams.

“When?” Clarke asks.

“Friday! At the bar!” Raven yells.

“That’s perfect,” Murphy says just as Clarke was about to shoot down the idea.

* * *

Clarke was the only one here, well Bellamy and Echo were here but what was she supposed to do, talk to them? Even if she wanted to Echo was hell-bent on making sure that all of Bellamy’s attention was on her and not Clarke. So she sat there, keeping to herself and working on her second drink of the night.

They’re at a table which was weird because they usually went for booths, Clarke was sure that it was Echo’s idea to go for a table. It was stupid but Clarke felt exposed at a table like anyone could come up behind her and start shit.

**Clarke:** boy you better get here soon before I fling myself into the oblivion.

**Murphy:** I’m literally 2 minutes away, cool your jets. Who all is there?

**Clarke:** Bellamy and Echo

**Murphy:** princess i meant who ALL is there.

**Clarke:** yeah no shit ya fucker that’s it! I’m just sitting here third wheeling, which is my favorite activity.

**Murphy:** shit well i’ll be there soon

Clarke put her phone in her purse and went back to her drink hoping that more people would show up before Clarke went fucking crazy. She looked at the door and watched as a ghost from her past walked in.

Clarke averted her gaze hoping that he didn’t notice, that he would ignore her, that he would just go about his business with someone else.

“Oh,” Echo starts and Clarke looks up at her, “I invited someone from my class who seems pretty chill, I hope that’s not a problem.”

Echo was staring at Clarke but Bellamy answered.

“I don’t think that will be a problem,” he says.

Echo turned towards the door and starts waving, “Oh look he’s here.”

And  _ he _ starts walking over. Clarke can feel her chest constrict as it becomes harder to breathe. Everything feels so far away and she barely hears anything that the people around her are saying.

“Hey Finn, so glad you could join us,” Echo says but it sounds muffled.

Clarke wills herself to look up at the man she hadn’t seen in just over a year then to Bellamy who wasn’t looking at Finn like she thought he would be. Instead, his concentration was on Clarke. They locked eyes for a moment, Clarke was trying to read his expression but couldn’t.

“Hey Clarke,” Finn’s voice sends a wave of panic through Clarke. She makes the mistake of looking at him, and he’s smiling kindly like he had so many times before. But this time Clarke could see the poison behind the smile.

“What are you doing here?” Bellamy asks through gritted teeth. He slid off his chair and subconsciously made his way closer to Clarke.

“Echo invited me,” Finn states.

Clarke turns to Echo who is smiling sweetly but it doesn’t seem sincere. 

Clarke bounces between Echo and Finn.

A hand clasps onto Finn’s shoulder.

“Didn’t I threaten you last time?” Murphy’s voice surprised Clarke.

“Last time?” Bellamy was staring at Clarke but she was glaring at Echo.

“Not that I recall,” Finn replies smoothly.

“Ah, well let me fix that,” without saying anything else Murphy socks Finn in the face sending him to the ground, “Stay the hell away from my friends or next time I won’t stop after one. C’mon Clarke.”

Murphy reaches out his hand and Clarke takes it as he leads her out of the bar.

“Thank you,” she whispers.

“Don’t worry about it, let’s get you home.”

* * *

“Why the hell would you do that?” Bellamy’s voice echoed through the room.

He and Echo had gone back to her apartment mere moments after Clarke had left. He was pacing in her living room while she was sitting on the couch.

“Do what Bellamy? I don’t understand what I did wrong,” Echo was trying to play innocent but Bellamy could see the pride in her eyes.

“Cut the bullshit Echo, what the fuck was that?” He was furious and it showed.

He had never yelled at a woman like this before, and he’d never planned to. He took a deep breath and stares at his girlfriend.

“What were you thinking?” He says in a calmer tone but the rage was still present in his voice. 

“I met him in class and he mentioned knowing Clarke and that they used to date, he never said how their relationship ended, so I figured it was amicable and invited him out.”

“Echo -”

“What happened between them? And why did both you and Murphy start acting like you were her boyfriend?” Echo challenges.

“What?” Bellamy stares at her in disbelief. 

“You have been weird around Clarke ever since we got back and even more so when you realized that she and Murphy are dating.”

“How is that what you’re focused on?”

“I see the way you look at her Bellamy I’m not stupid,” Echo stands and walks in front of Bellamy.

“We’re not talking about that,” he says but neither he nor Echo misses how he doesn’t deny it either.

“Yes we ar-”

“No. We are talking about how you have no regard for anyone’s feeling but your own.”

“That’s not true,” she defends, “I care about your feelings.”

“Yeah? What about my friends’ feelings?” He asks when she doesn’t answer he continues, “They are some of the most important people in my life. They were there for me when my mom died. I wouldn’t have gotten through that if they hadn’t been there. And then you go and just invite an ex of one of my friend’s without even know why they broke up.”

“Then tell me.”

“It’s not my place to tell you. That is up to Clarke.”

“Here we go again,” Echo exasperates.

“What?”

“You’re always on her side, on all of their sides actually over mine. Every time. They all hate me and you didn’t do anything about it.”

“You gave them no reason to not hate you! Everything you’ve done has proven that they were right and we shouldn’t be dating.”

That blindsided Echo, she opened her mouth but then shut it.

And Bellamy realized that he wanted to break up, now before it got any more complicated.

“Is that what you want?” She asks.

“I think we should break up,” he answers.

She slaps him across the face.

“Have fun with  _ Clarke _ ,” Echo spits out her name like it’s poison.

Bellamy wordlessly grabs his coat and walks out of her apartment.

He gets into his car and starts driving, he barely registers the song playing softly over the radio and it’s a miracle that he doesn’t crash. It’s only a few minutes before he parks his car. It isn’t until he is standing outside his sister's door that he realizes what he’s doing.

His fist hovers next to the door. Just as he’s about to knock the door opens.

“Bellamy,” Murphy looks surprised as he stares at him, “What are you doing here?”

“I need to talk to Clarke.”

“Well she’d locked herself in her room so you can try but she’s not talking to anyone, not Raven, Octavia or even me.” Murphy steps out of the apartment and walks down the hall leaving the door open for Bellamy.

Bellamy beelines for Clarke’s door and knocks, when she doesn’t answer he tries again.

“Clarke it’s me,” he says loud enough for her to hear him, “Are you ok?”

Raven appeared next to Clarke’s door and opens her mouth to say something when the door opens. Raven looks at the door then to Bellamy, who gives Raven a confused look.

Bellamy walks through the door into the dark room and closes the door. After a moment his eyes adjust and he makes out Clarke’s figure on her bed. Bellamy, not completely sure how Clarke would react to this, lays down next to her. 

They were both laying on their sides facing each other, much like they had a year ago. There were so many things he would change if he could just go back to that day, but he can’t.

“Hey,” he whispers.

“I couldn’t -” 

“I know,” Bellamy stops himself from reach over and brushing a strand of hair out of her face. “I don’t know why she did that.”

“I do,” Clarke’s words surprise Bellamy.

“You do?”

Clarke nods but doesn’t say anything else.

“It’s probably a good thing Murphy showed up when he did,” Bellamy lets out a humorless chuckle.

“Why?”

“Because I wouldn’t have stopped.”

“Yes, you would’ve,” she was so certain about it, that was the thing about Clarke, she trusted him he didn’t know what he did to deserve her unwavering trust but he had it and he would do anything he could to keep it.

“Maybe, but I wouldn’t have wanted to,” he pauses for a moment, “how are you feeling?”

“Better, Murphy and Raven tried to talk me down from the panic attack I was having.”

“Does Octavia know?”

“No,” Clarke says choking on her words, “I didn’t want to think about it and I thought I was starting to get over it but then he showed up tonight -”

She lets the end of her sentence trail off.

“That’s not something you need to get over Clarke, it’s something that you move past, you’re allowed to have feelings about it for as long as you need to,” no longer fighting his urges he brushes her hair out of her face. “So, if you’re so smart, why’d she do it?”

“You truly can’t figure it out?”

“No.”

“Hmm, let me know when you do.” Clarke has the faintest smile on her face like she knows a secret.

“Ok, well I’ll see ya later princess,” Bellamy smiles and leaves her room.


	18. One

_Just promise me you'll always be a friend_

_'Cause you are the only one_ \- Ed Sheeran

Clarke rolls to her back and stares at the ceiling. Bellamy had just left, leaving Clarke alone with her thoughts.

She hadn’t missed the fact that he’d called her princess, she also was not oblivious to the fact that it had been the first time he called her that since his first day back. She would never admit this but she’d missed being called that, specifically by Bellamy.

She pulls out her phone and sends a quick thank you text to Bellamy and quickly falls asleep after that.

* * *

The next morning both Clarke and Octavia were in the kitchen. Octavia was nursing a cup of coffee while staring at Clarke.

“What?” Clarke asks getting annoyed with the constant attention.

“He just, broke up with her?” 

“That’s what he said.”

“Just for inviting your ex?” Octavia asks. “No offense or anything, because I too hate Finn. But that seems a little extreme.”

“I need to tell you something,” she says then proceeds to launch into the story of what actually happened between her and Clarke. Octavia didn’t say anything until Clarke was finished, which Clarke was grateful for because she wasn’t sure if she would’ve been able to get through the story otherwise.

Octavia is silent for a moment when Clarke finishes.

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” Octavia asks, not angry just genuinely curious.

“Honestly, I felt stupid for falling for it.”

“Well, you aren’t and never have been stupid, and I’m glad you got out.”

Clarke opens her mouth to say something when there’s a knock at the door.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake people,” Octavia yells and opens the door.

Bellamy bursts in with no greeting to his sister. He walks right up to Clarke and stares her down.

“I need to talk to you,” he says not breaking eye contact.

“We talked last night,” Clarke says.

“I need to talk to you again,” he says.

Clarke studies his expression for a moment. She forgot that Octavia was there.

“I guess I’ll leave you two to it then,” Octavia says grabbing her things and walking out the door.

Clarke stands there waiting for him to say something but he doesn’t.

“Usually when someone bursts into another person’s home and say ‘I need to talk to you’ they start talking,” Clarke says.

Bellamy stares at her for another moment.

“I know I have no place to judge you for dating Murphy -”

“Bellamy -” Clarke starts ready to tell Bellamy everything but he doesn’t stop talking.

“I don’t like that you’re with him, not because he’s bad for you or whatever I figured out the reason I don’t like it.”

“Oh? And why don’t you like it?”

“I don’t know how to say this,” he admits.

“I can’t help you because I don’t know what you want to say.”

He walks over so he’s standing right in front of her. He places his hands on her arms.

“I figured out why Echo did what she did.”

“Oh did ya now?” Clarke asks.

“Yeah, Echo, she was jealous.”

“What does she have to be jealous of?” Clarke was less sure that he’d actually figured it out.

“You.”

“I think she just wanted you to pay more attention to her.”

“No, Clarke, she was jealous because I’m -” He takes a deep breath and hooks his finger under her chin and takes another step towards her, “She was a distraction.”

“From what?”

Bellamy smiles and leans down, Clarke’s breath hitches not sure what he’s about to do.

Just then someone burst through the door and Bellamy turns to look at the intruder, but Clarke could guess who it was. She closes her eyes already annoyed with what was about to happen.

“Clarke I -” Murphy stops, “What is this?”

“Murphy,” Bellamy starts sounding apologetic as he puts distance between him and Clarke.

Clarke opens her eyes and looks at Murphy unimpressed.

“Clarke, to think, all the things we shared. I gave you some of the best nights of my life, and this,” he gestures to her and Bellamy, “Is how you repay me?”

If Clarke was a bystander and this wasn’t happening to her, she’d find it hilarious. But it was happening to her so she continues to look at Murphy unamused.

Murphy walks up to Clarke paying no mind to Bellamy.

“I love you! And you just throw it all away?” He practically yells.

Murphy then pulls Clarke to him and presses his lips to hers. Clarke stiffens in surprise. It wasn’t really a kiss, Murphy was just doing it for show. He pulls away a second later.

“I should go,” Bellamy says and runs out the door.

“I’m going to kill you,” Clarke says.

“Why, bad timing?” Murphy smirks. “Had he told you that he’s in love with you yet?”

“I don’t think -”

“I’m going to stop you right there Clarke. He’s very clearly in love with you,” he says, “you’re just too stupid to see it.”

“Gee, thanks.”

“Had he kissed you yet?”

“No, I think he was about to when you barged in,” Clarke says and Murphy’s smirk turns into a grin. “You’re really proud of yourself aren’t you?”

“I was afraid I wasn’t going to make it in time.”

“Octavia called you.”

“I wanted a big dramatic breakup and you would’ve ruined that.”

“I’m gonna go talk to him,” Clarke moves but Murphy stops her.

“Nah, let it simmer for a bit. Like we’re having a big fight or something.”

Clarke laughs shaking her head.

* * *

It was 2 am and Clarke couldn’t get her mind to be quiet. She knew that she should sleep but she just could calm down enough to do so. 

She could no longer stare at her ceiling so she got up and began pacing around her room. Clarke didn’t want to admit that she still had the same feeling for Bellamy that she did a year ago but there they were, present and stronger than ever. She wanted to tell him. But she also didn’t want him to reject her. But he had a right to know, didn’t he?

Murphy had suggested that she wait a few days before telling Bellamy but Clarke knew that if she waited any longer she’d no longer feel brave enough to tell him.

Clarke didn’t know why she hadn’t knocked at Bellamy’s door yet. She knew what she was going to say, but she couldn’t bring herself to actually knock on the door. She was contemplating turning away and not doing anything when the door bursts open.

“Clarke?” Bellamy cocks his brow, “What are you doing here? How are things with Murphy?”

“You really truly believed it didn’t you?” She asks smiling slightly.

“Believed what?”

“Murphy and I were never actually dating Bellamy,”

Bellamy’s eyes bounce between Clarke and something behind her.

“You were fake dating Murphy?” Bellamy asks amused.

“Well when you came back with Echo, he thought it would make you jealous,” Clarke admits a blush creeping onto her face.

“Was that the goal?”

“God, you’d think you’d be smarter since your a professor and all,” Clarke mutters.

“You should come inside,” Bellamy says and reaches for Clarke but she steps back.

“I’m in love with you Bellamy,” she blurts, “I have been for a year.”

Bellamy opens his mouth but Clarke cuts him off with her rambling.

“I know you just broke up with Echo and the last thing you want to do is hear what I’m about to tell you but I just was feeling brave and I know it’s 2 am and you probably have things to do tomorrow but I just need to do this now before you run off and leave me again. Not that I’m still angry at you for leaving or any-”

Bellamy puts his finger on Clarke’s lips cutting off her words. He steps closer to her so their foreheads are almost touching.

“When did you figure it out?” He whispers.

“Since the night of the funeral, when you asked me to stay. I realized that I whatever you needed I’d do it. And that I loved you, I still do.”

“It wasn’t fair of me to start dating Echo in the first place.”

“What do you mean?”

“I shouldn’t have started her while I was in love with someone else.”

Clarke’s heart drops at his words. She goes to step away but Bellamy grabs her waist and pulls her closer to him.

“Do you remember last year when you were sleep deprived because of finals and I had to drag you from the study room and basically force you to sleep?” He asks softly.

“Yeah,” she answers barely remembering what he was talking about.

“That’s when I knew.”

“It’s not a competition Bellamy,” Clarke says.

Bellamy puts his hand on the back of her neck and kisses her. It surprises her for a moment, just a moment before she melts into it. His lips are softer than she imagined they would be. The kiss was rushed and there was so much that they both were trying to say with the kiss. His taste was addictive.

Clarke closes the distance between their bodies wanting to be as close to him as possible.

Bellamy pulls away making Clarke whine.

“So what do we do now?” He asks.

“Well,” Clarke thinks for a second, “I could think of a few things to do.”

Bellay smirks at her and pulls her into his apartment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you all so much for reading this. i'm sorry this was such a mess  
> (i have another bellarke fic that I'm working that i promise will be less of a mess than this one)


End file.
